In light of me being a grown up in my last blog and sharing that wisdom with all of you, I thought I’d continue that trend. While this has nothing to do with fitness, dance, or creepy guys, it’ll be a nice change of pace.
I’ve gotten a lot of time to reflect on things lately. I’ve had a very trying year and I have a feeling that next year is going to rock, but I digress. It’s been a very emotional time in my life and I’m very thankful for it. I’ve learned a lot from it. My biggest lesson has been about acceptance. That’s what I’m writing about today. I’m not strictly talking about divorce, but accepting myself for who I really am, and accepting others for who they are. Being completely OK with whatever it is you’ve had to accept is probably the hardest part. You can accept that there isn’t any more plain non-fat yogurt in the fridge when you just bought some because your gay roommate that took you in while you were getting a divorce thought it was his so he ate all of it, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it. Bad example, but it happens…
Life changes. Everything changes and you can either go with the flow or try to fight it and exhaust yourself in the process. I thought my life was going to be one way, my ex decided it was going to be another. Believe me, I fought it. I didn’t know if I could live without him. I thought he was my world and my reason for getting up every day. I realized he wasn’t. I was the reason I got up every day. I was the source of my strength. No one else. Me. It isn’t easy to have to change your entire life’s plan in a short amount of time. I had to accept it. My life was changing and there was nothing I could really do about it. Sure I could’ve moped and been depressed, but that would do me absolutely no service, so I did the only thing I could do. I had to pick myself up and go on with my life. Nobody could do it for me. I had to rely on myself. I read a great quote the other day, and it rang so true that it shook me to the core: “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” It’s so true. A few months ago I didn’t think I was going to be able to move on. Not because I didn’t want to be alone, but because of fear. I was terrified of starting over again. It would’ve been so much easier if I stayed with him and been unhappy. It was comfortable. It was what I had known for four years. If I wasn’t a strong person I wouldn’t be where I am now. I feel more empowered and happy than I ever have in my entire life. Feeling empowered and happy in California doesn’t hurt either! When you accept change, you can do anything. No one can take that strength from you and that is an empowering feeling.
I don’t hide my history of eating disorders. I also don’t hide my crippling body dysmorphic disorder or low self esteem. I have never found myself to be an attractive person. I would also wait for others to tell me I was pretty or that I looked nice (don’t get me wrong, it’s still really nice to hear!), but I realized I had to tell myself those things. I was afraid it would make me vain to say it, but it doesn’t. It means I’m trying to get a healthy mind frame going. I’d rather appear a little vain than not be able to leave my apartment for three days because I didn’t want people to see me because I felt “too fat” or “too ugly” to be out in public. I’ve accepted my body for what it is. I may not be 100% happy with it, but I’ve made a lot of progress. There are things that I would change if I could and I still don’t see myself for what I probably actually look like, but I’m working on it. It’ll always be a work in progress. One day I hope I see myself how everybody else does. That would be nice. Back to the accepting, I’ve always been a fan of my personality. There are flaws, but even then I think they’re pretty kick ass flaws. Not everybody is a fan of it, but I really don’t care anymore. I’ve never really cared what people thought about me, but now I’ve moved on to a whole other level from “I don’t care” to “I don’t give a shit. What are you gonna do about it?” I like my quirky personality and I’m not wasting my time with people that don’t. I’m me and if you don’t like it, suck it. I’m in a very good place mentally with my body image and with who I really am, and it’s one of the best feelings ever.
Accepting other people for who they are is probably the hardest thing to do. We all have those people in our lives that we wish would realize that they’re either a douchebag and fix it, naïve, cocky, mopey, too cheerful, whatever, but they are who they are. Just like you have to accept your own flaws, you have to accept other’s. Even if someone has done something absolutely horrendous to you, it’s who they are and there is nothing you can do to change it. Instead of being angry, try forgiving them instead. It’s much more healthy to be graceful than an angry bitter person. Accept it and let it go. Catch and release. Or as the wise Jay-Z once said “Get that dirt off your shoulder.” I’ve had to accept that I thought people who were my friends, actually aren’t. They’ve chosen to side with my ex, and as painful as it is I’ve had to let them go. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t happened overnight and it didn’t happen without a lot of tears and frustration, but I’m not putting up with being hurt anymore. I’m choosing all of my new friends in my new life very carefully. So far, I’ve found some amazing people and I am thankful for them every day. They have no idea how much they mean to me, and I wouldn’t even know how to begin to express it. Life is so much better when you have positive people around you!
I really hope someone can take something from this. Even if it’s only a little tidbit of information, I really hope this helps.
