The Ex-Files

Yeah, the title isn't particularly clever, but, whatever.

I'm in a really reflective mood tonight, but I'm also in the mood to share it. Normally when I get in these types of moods I'll shut down and not want to talk to anybody. I always retreat into my little fantasy world where I listen to music and choreograph it in my head. I mean there's costumes and everything...It's just what I do. Weird? Probably...

Anyway, my divorce is going to be finalized in less than a month and I've been thinking a lot about my entire relationship. I realized that while most of it wasn't my fault, I still know where I fucked up. I know it sounds crazy, but I think I loved him too much. It was scary. I was willing to sacrifice myself and my personality for his happiness. I put him first. He was my life. I did everything for him. Because of that, he took me completely for granted and it made me feel like shit, so I'd do even more for him and the cycle would continue. All I wanted to hear from him was that I was enough just as I was. I wanted to hear that I didn't have to pretend to not be loud and obnoxious around people. I wanted him to tell me that he appreciated my quirks, idiosyncrasies, faults, everything, and it was OK because it was who I am. Telling me I laugh too loud, make weird jokes at anybody willing to listen to me, dance around wherever I am, and just having the best time I possibly can is embarrassing to him still is a blow to my self esteem. I know my personality can be a lot to handle sometimes, I'll be the first person to admit that, but, why wasn't it OK? Why was I wrong for being myself? I questioned all of this so many sleepless nights, but it hit me a couple of weeks ago: It is enough, just not for him. I'm enough for myself, and that's all that matters. I have friends who appreciate me for my personality and I know there's somebody out there who will want to be with me for exactly who I am, flaws and all.

If anything, I use this as a learning experience. I know exactly who I am, what I want, and I know not to settle for anything. I've learned I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. I've always been extremely independent, but I know that I have even more inner strength than I knew I was even capable of. Really, it all boiled down to this: I had two choices. I could either let this completely destroy me, or, I learn and move on. Guess which one I've chosen? I've gone the route of letting something completely destroy me and I'm never doing that again because it caused me to be 82 lbs, have jacked up teeth, and a heart problem. I'm not going through that again. I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and healing. There has been a few nights where I sobbed because I never thought the hurting would stop. I couldn't imagine being able to feel whole again after this kind of betrayal. You know what? I'm over the worst part. Every once in a while a thought will creep into my head about it, but, I quickly tell myself it isn't worth it and I think about how he didn't deserve such a kick ass person. For the first time in a very long time, I really do feel like I kick ass. I haven't felt this good about myself since...I can't even remember...What does that tell you? I'm pretty much completely at peace with this and with myself. Sure, almost every day he'll do something to piss me off and at the time I'll let it, but then eventually I let it go and remind myself that he's trying to piss me off and I'm not giving him that satisfaction.

As soon as I'm done typing this I'm going to start choreographing, but stuff I actually have to choreograph, not my "escaping into my happy place" choreographing. I only have two classes this summer and these will be my last ones at this studio. I've chosen to go out on a different note. I'm doing straight up, classical ballet pieces. I've found two songs that perfectly describe how I feel right now. I don't normally do "pretty", I do "quirky", so it'll be different and completely unexpected, which, goes perfectly with my quirkiness. If anybody is interested in knowing exactly what is going on in my head about my divorce and my feelings about it, check out "Glitter In The Air" by Pink and "Little Red" by Kate Nash.

An update.

I know I haven't written much lately, but I've had some crazy stuff going on, so, that's my excuse!

Since my last blog, I have moved out of my house and into an apartment with one of my closest friends. It's been a bit of an adjustment, but every day I'm getting more and more comfortable and it's starting to feel like home. He isn't charging me rent because he knows I'm planning on leaving Michigan after my divorce is finalized. I just have to pay for food and I'm all set. It's very nice of him to do that for me and I'm so lucky to have such a good friend. It's nice to not have to walk on eggshells all the time like I had to before. I can be myself and it's the most liberating feeling. I had to sacrifice so much of my personality to be with my husband, and I'm not going to let that happen again. If I ever find somebody (well, I should say if somebody is willing to put up with my craziness), he'll have to love me for me and that's it. If he can't, byeeee.

I had a very bittersweet weekend. Friday was the first recital for the kids 8 and younger. My little ones did a great job and I was so proud of them! Saturday, after working for 6 hours at the gym, I had to go to the other recital for the older students. They all did amazing! I absolutely love watching my choreography take shape on stage. It makes me feel like I'm doing something good. I was really proud of all of my pieces this year and of my students who are excited about my choreography. After the recital at the little after party we have every year, I broke the news to everyone that I wasn't going to be there next year. That news did not go over well at all. The students who weren't furious at me were crying. Then the furious ones started crying and then we all were crying. It was kind of a mess. It was so nice to feel so loved. I haven't felt that way in a very long time, but, after that night I felt like people needed me. Like they wanted me around. Most of them were trying to convince me not to go and bargaining with me that if I stayed they'd all "try to get better" at ballet. It broke my heart because that wasn't the issue at all. I have very talented students! I need to move on. After this divorce, there is nothing left for me here in Michigan. It's time to move on and I know they all understand that now, but it hurt at the time. I'm fortunate that at my age I know what I want to do with my life. Actually, scratch that, I know what I NEED to be doing with my life. I feel like my purpose in life is to teach dance technique and to pass on my love and passion for dance to others. I've done that here. My job is done. I will miss every single one of my kids. They have taught me so much about being a better dance teacher and a better person. I'll never forget them.

On another note, I've found another way of making a little extra money on the side. It's not much, but, I finally started charging people for Tarot readings and automatic writings. I was starting to feel taken advantage of, so now I can at least feel that way, but with a few extra dollars in my pocket. I'll still do some for free, but, not very many people get that privilege!

I've been feeling much more peaceful lately. I'm completely at peace with my current situation and am going to welcome the next chapter of my life with open arms. I'll never have all the answers that I want, but that's OK. I don't need to know. All I know is that it didn't work out, so all I can do is move on and finally be happy. It's an amazing feeling!

So, that's about it!

Sigh...

I just found out that a year ago I was fooled by my students and I used a Miley Cyrus song for their recital. This is what happens when they just bring in a song to me...Sneaky students...And then dumb teacher for not realizing this until a year later...I never claimed to be smart.


I am aware that I'm using one this year because I like the song. I'm also currently jamming to it. Damn you, Miley Cyrus for having catchy songs.