Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wost day ever
So, I know this is incredibly personal and really shouldn't be going on the internet, but, Chris asked me for a divorce today. I'm still in shock and I don't really know what I should be doing right now. I feel really unwanted and hurt. This sucks.
Inspiration overload!!!
I don't know if this has happened to anybody else, but, I was sitting and listening to music and then I realized that all of a sudden I was up and dancing around. All the songs I've been listening to have just been incredibly inspiring to me. Most of the time I don't have to really think about it to choreograph something, but this is nuts. I've got a lot of recital pieces started and I'm about halfway done with them. Yeah, I'm aware the recital isn't until June, but I've got an amazing head start this year. Here's some of the music I'm using this year (in case anybody can't wait for the recital):
"Diva" by Beyonce
"Boom Boom Pow" by Black Eyed Peas
"Ease On Down the Road" by Diana Ross and Michael Jackson
"Beat It" by Fall Out Boy
"London Bridge" by Fergie
"This Is Halloween" by Marilyn Manson
"Tore My Heart" by Oona (this one is the one that started this cascade of choreography)
"Night of the Dancing Flame" by Roisin Murphy
"Ramalama (Bang Bang)" by Roisin Murphy
"Ruby Blue" by Roisin Murphy
That's not all of them, or even close to being all of them, but those are the ones I have started. I'm really excited for how these are turning out so far. I'm really finding my choreography "voice" and it's awesome. Although I'm very well aware that it's pretty weird. "This Is Halloween" is probably going to be my weirdest piece yet to date and I'm pretty pumped about it. It might top the vampires from last year. I also have dancing zombies this year. I still have a lot of songs to pick out...I guess I should do some "pretty" routines this year. Sigh...
"Diva" by Beyonce
"Boom Boom Pow" by Black Eyed Peas
"Ease On Down the Road" by Diana Ross and Michael Jackson
"Beat It" by Fall Out Boy
"London Bridge" by Fergie
"This Is Halloween" by Marilyn Manson
"Tore My Heart" by Oona (this one is the one that started this cascade of choreography)
"Night of the Dancing Flame" by Roisin Murphy
"Ramalama (Bang Bang)" by Roisin Murphy
"Ruby Blue" by Roisin Murphy
That's not all of them, or even close to being all of them, but those are the ones I have started. I'm really excited for how these are turning out so far. I'm really finding my choreography "voice" and it's awesome. Although I'm very well aware that it's pretty weird. "This Is Halloween" is probably going to be my weirdest piece yet to date and I'm pretty pumped about it. It might top the vampires from last year. I also have dancing zombies this year. I still have a lot of songs to pick out...I guess I should do some "pretty" routines this year. Sigh...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Trying to feel normal after ED
Although I've had a great day today, I'm in a very pensive and reflective mood. I don't have time to reflect very often and I know I need to make time, so this is my effort.
I overheard some of my students joke about purging. I wasn't upset about it, but I let them know it isn't funny to joke about mental illnesses. I was holding back tears on my car ride home because I was wondering if that is how people with eating disorders are viewed- as a big joke. I struggled for so long with several different EDs and I'm just now at a point in my life where I'm not having symptoms or really wanting to have any. I still have bad body image days, but I'll distract myself and try to forget about it although that's pretty much impossible.
I know people will joke about things they don't understand. Nobody could possibly know what I've been through or what I continue to go through on a daily basis unless they've been there. I try to explain it to the best of my ability, but I don't have the words. It's emotional, physical, and mental pain. It's feeling completely exhausted. It's feeling a hatred for yourself that you couldn't even imagine. I avoided mirrors and clothes shopping. I lost almost all of my friends because I didn't want to go out with them because I felt too fat and ugly to leave my house. They didn't understand and didn't try. I never felt so alone in my entire life. I was alone with my eating disorder. It became my only friend. I could count on it. It was always there for me. It comforted me.
I developed my first ED when I was about seven years old. I was teased in school day in and day out. I was the token fat kid in my dance classes. I used food as a security blanket. I would eat my feelings because it made me feel better. This continued to get worse over the years. Eighth grade was the worst for me. I was teased every day by the same group of kids and they would call me ugly and tell me I was too ugly to live. I would go home every day and cry and eat. I think the only reason I was never really heavy at this time was because of all the dancing I was doing. I'm pretty sure this is when my severe body dysmorphic disorder started. High school was more of the same thing, but once I graduated and was going to be going on to college and bigger and better things I thought that people might like me better if I was skinny. So, I stopped eating. I would go days at a time with no food. I just drank water and coffee. Then I'd eventually eat something like a plain baked potato or some celery and then start that cycle all over again. Toward the end of my first semester, I went six days without eating and I passed out. I woke up in the hospital. I was 82 pounds. All skin and bone. I'm still amazed I didn't die. Then my mom took me to a nutritionist and I ate and put some weight on. I was still having emotional issues, but at least I wasn't in danger of going into heart failure anymore. A few years later, I fell back into it. This time was different. This time I couldn't go as long without eating, so like 95% of other anorexics, I turned bulimic. I was dropping weight at a very fast rate again. I was eventually convinced to go into an eating disorder clinic and I really believe that they saved my life. I had found out I had given myself a heart condition (I would either pass out or almost pass out when I stood up), so I wasn't allowed to take the stairs, so I always had to take the elevator which was embarrassing. After I put weight on and got help and learned new ways to cope, I felt much better.
It's so hard to feel "normal" after all of this. I can't weigh myself, I can't count calories, I can't take measurements, and I can't measure out food portions so I'm just guessing. I feel like a freak because I can't really do a whole lot. I feel like I'm not the best fitness trainer because I can't do these things, so how am I supposed to relate to people who can? I know it's all relapse prevention, but it's so hard to feel normal. When I meet new people and they find out about my ED past, I feel judged and I get treated differently. I get treated like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I just happen to hate my body sometimes.
All I've ever wanted was to feel beautiful. I have never been able to feel this way about myself. I'm still trying to find out the secret to that. Because I feel so crappy about how I look on the outside, I try to make up for it on the inside by being the best person I can be every day. My favorite thing in the world is to make people laugh. I could settle on being known for inner beauty.
I know this is has been horribly depressing. I know it is for me. I have a couple of tears streaming down my face, but I feel like there's hope. One day I know I'll find my place and feel "normal", whatever that may be. Some days when I see a Victoria's Secret commercial I'll break down and cry because I will never look like that. Other days I'm satisfied knowing that if it came down to it, I could easily kick any of those skinny bitch's asses if I had to. I would love to feel empowered like that all the time. I'm working on it.
I overheard some of my students joke about purging. I wasn't upset about it, but I let them know it isn't funny to joke about mental illnesses. I was holding back tears on my car ride home because I was wondering if that is how people with eating disorders are viewed- as a big joke. I struggled for so long with several different EDs and I'm just now at a point in my life where I'm not having symptoms or really wanting to have any. I still have bad body image days, but I'll distract myself and try to forget about it although that's pretty much impossible.
I know people will joke about things they don't understand. Nobody could possibly know what I've been through or what I continue to go through on a daily basis unless they've been there. I try to explain it to the best of my ability, but I don't have the words. It's emotional, physical, and mental pain. It's feeling completely exhausted. It's feeling a hatred for yourself that you couldn't even imagine. I avoided mirrors and clothes shopping. I lost almost all of my friends because I didn't want to go out with them because I felt too fat and ugly to leave my house. They didn't understand and didn't try. I never felt so alone in my entire life. I was alone with my eating disorder. It became my only friend. I could count on it. It was always there for me. It comforted me.
I developed my first ED when I was about seven years old. I was teased in school day in and day out. I was the token fat kid in my dance classes. I used food as a security blanket. I would eat my feelings because it made me feel better. This continued to get worse over the years. Eighth grade was the worst for me. I was teased every day by the same group of kids and they would call me ugly and tell me I was too ugly to live. I would go home every day and cry and eat. I think the only reason I was never really heavy at this time was because of all the dancing I was doing. I'm pretty sure this is when my severe body dysmorphic disorder started. High school was more of the same thing, but once I graduated and was going to be going on to college and bigger and better things I thought that people might like me better if I was skinny. So, I stopped eating. I would go days at a time with no food. I just drank water and coffee. Then I'd eventually eat something like a plain baked potato or some celery and then start that cycle all over again. Toward the end of my first semester, I went six days without eating and I passed out. I woke up in the hospital. I was 82 pounds. All skin and bone. I'm still amazed I didn't die. Then my mom took me to a nutritionist and I ate and put some weight on. I was still having emotional issues, but at least I wasn't in danger of going into heart failure anymore. A few years later, I fell back into it. This time was different. This time I couldn't go as long without eating, so like 95% of other anorexics, I turned bulimic. I was dropping weight at a very fast rate again. I was eventually convinced to go into an eating disorder clinic and I really believe that they saved my life. I had found out I had given myself a heart condition (I would either pass out or almost pass out when I stood up), so I wasn't allowed to take the stairs, so I always had to take the elevator which was embarrassing. After I put weight on and got help and learned new ways to cope, I felt much better.
It's so hard to feel "normal" after all of this. I can't weigh myself, I can't count calories, I can't take measurements, and I can't measure out food portions so I'm just guessing. I feel like a freak because I can't really do a whole lot. I feel like I'm not the best fitness trainer because I can't do these things, so how am I supposed to relate to people who can? I know it's all relapse prevention, but it's so hard to feel normal. When I meet new people and they find out about my ED past, I feel judged and I get treated differently. I get treated like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I just happen to hate my body sometimes.
All I've ever wanted was to feel beautiful. I have never been able to feel this way about myself. I'm still trying to find out the secret to that. Because I feel so crappy about how I look on the outside, I try to make up for it on the inside by being the best person I can be every day. My favorite thing in the world is to make people laugh. I could settle on being known for inner beauty.
I know this is has been horribly depressing. I know it is for me. I have a couple of tears streaming down my face, but I feel like there's hope. One day I know I'll find my place and feel "normal", whatever that may be. Some days when I see a Victoria's Secret commercial I'll break down and cry because I will never look like that. Other days I'm satisfied knowing that if it came down to it, I could easily kick any of those skinny bitch's asses if I had to. I would love to feel empowered like that all the time. I'm working on it.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Dance Magic Dance
(Yes, the title is from "Labyrinth", what are you gonna do about it?)
I figured I'd take this time to a little dance FAQ blog because apparently I have nothing else better to do. I get a lot of questions from parents, students, and prospective students all the time.
Q: What should I look for in a good studio?
A: A lot of things! The staff is one of the most important. I don't believe teachers necessarily have to have a degree to be a good teacher, but with that being said, it definitely helps out a lot. They need to be up to date on teaching and technique. For example, if you see the teacher forcing more turnout out of a student, let the owner know and if it's common practice there, take your business elsewhere. You don't need your child having knee problems because that teacher is stuck in "the old ways." Look at the flooring that they have. Ideally, a studio needs to have a floating floor. It reduces the risk of injury and the dancer won't get as tired as quickly. If they don't have a floating floor, make sure it isn't tile, concrete, or anything crazy like that. As far as mirrors are concerned, mylar mirrors are the best. They're safer than traditional mirrors. If you're not sure if a studio is great or not, ask around.
Q: How old does my child have to be to be enrolled in a dance class?
A: Most studios have the rule that if they're potty trained, they can be put into a class. There are usually creative movement for children around the age of two, and after that they can be put into classes that are more dance based. For example, I teach combo classes for kids ranging from 3-5 and they do some ballet and then some tap. It also depends on whether or not you think your child is ready for such things.
Q: What do you think about dance competitions?
A: I'm torn about them, to be honest. My studio is a very highly competitive school. I have never participated in one. The studio I grew up dancing at never went to any. I dance for art, not for a trophy, but that's just me. As with anything, competition has it's pros and cons. It definitely forces dancers to be better at a younger age. If you compared dancers from a non-competitive school versus a competitive school, the competitive dancers are going to be at a much higher level than the dancers who don't compete. With that being said, I'm not a fan of putting children into high stress situations. I know of students who go from competition to competition and they never get a break. Mentally, that's very tiring. Physically, it could lead to injuries. Not to mention, that's extremely expensive! The other problem with being expected to dance at such a high level is that the dancers will be very hard on themselves. It's a miracle if I go a day without having to diffuse a crying situation because they didn't get something new on the first try. This stuff takes time, but there's pressure on them to get it if they want to do well in a competition. On the other hand, if they do well at a competition it does wonders for their self esteem.
Q: Can adults learn how to dance?
A: YES!!! It doesn't matter how old you are! Most studios have adult beginner classes.
Q: What can I do to get a dancer's body?
A: Dance.
Q: Why are you so awesome and attractive?
A: Stop it! You're making me blush!
I figured I'd take this time to a little dance FAQ blog because apparently I have nothing else better to do. I get a lot of questions from parents, students, and prospective students all the time.
Q: What should I look for in a good studio?
A: A lot of things! The staff is one of the most important. I don't believe teachers necessarily have to have a degree to be a good teacher, but with that being said, it definitely helps out a lot. They need to be up to date on teaching and technique. For example, if you see the teacher forcing more turnout out of a student, let the owner know and if it's common practice there, take your business elsewhere. You don't need your child having knee problems because that teacher is stuck in "the old ways." Look at the flooring that they have. Ideally, a studio needs to have a floating floor. It reduces the risk of injury and the dancer won't get as tired as quickly. If they don't have a floating floor, make sure it isn't tile, concrete, or anything crazy like that. As far as mirrors are concerned, mylar mirrors are the best. They're safer than traditional mirrors. If you're not sure if a studio is great or not, ask around.
Q: How old does my child have to be to be enrolled in a dance class?
A: Most studios have the rule that if they're potty trained, they can be put into a class. There are usually creative movement for children around the age of two, and after that they can be put into classes that are more dance based. For example, I teach combo classes for kids ranging from 3-5 and they do some ballet and then some tap. It also depends on whether or not you think your child is ready for such things.
Q: What do you think about dance competitions?
A: I'm torn about them, to be honest. My studio is a very highly competitive school. I have never participated in one. The studio I grew up dancing at never went to any. I dance for art, not for a trophy, but that's just me. As with anything, competition has it's pros and cons. It definitely forces dancers to be better at a younger age. If you compared dancers from a non-competitive school versus a competitive school, the competitive dancers are going to be at a much higher level than the dancers who don't compete. With that being said, I'm not a fan of putting children into high stress situations. I know of students who go from competition to competition and they never get a break. Mentally, that's very tiring. Physically, it could lead to injuries. Not to mention, that's extremely expensive! The other problem with being expected to dance at such a high level is that the dancers will be very hard on themselves. It's a miracle if I go a day without having to diffuse a crying situation because they didn't get something new on the first try. This stuff takes time, but there's pressure on them to get it if they want to do well in a competition. On the other hand, if they do well at a competition it does wonders for their self esteem.
Q: Can adults learn how to dance?
A: YES!!! It doesn't matter how old you are! Most studios have adult beginner classes.
Q: What can I do to get a dancer's body?
A: Dance.
Q: Why are you so awesome and attractive?
A: Stop it! You're making me blush!
An open letter
Dear People Who Shop At Trader Joe's and Whole Foods,
I just want to make something clear. Just because you're buying it at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods does not mean it's healthy and should automatically go into your cart. Both stores sell junk food. There's an entire refrigerated aisle in Trader Joe's that is all desserts! It doesn't mean you should buy them! The same thing at Whole Foods! "Well, it's organic pie!" No difference. Sorry. If you don't want to eat healthy, that's fine, but don't think you're doing yourself any favors by thinking it's healthy just because it comes from a certain store.
Yours,
Laura
(Yeah, I realize that sounds a bit bitchy, but, I'm a little frustrated this afternoon.)
I just want to make something clear. Just because you're buying it at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods does not mean it's healthy and should automatically go into your cart. Both stores sell junk food. There's an entire refrigerated aisle in Trader Joe's that is all desserts! It doesn't mean you should buy them! The same thing at Whole Foods! "Well, it's organic pie!" No difference. Sorry. If you don't want to eat healthy, that's fine, but don't think you're doing yourself any favors by thinking it's healthy just because it comes from a certain store.
Yours,
Laura
(Yeah, I realize that sounds a bit bitchy, but, I'm a little frustrated this afternoon.)
Monday, February 22, 2010
Why are YOU of all people blogging?
Good question...Let me think about it.
Well, it's a way for me to share my ideas with other dance teachers and hope they are inspired by my methods and madness.
I've written blogs for other people about fitness, so now I'm going to write them for my own benefit, so check in if you want to learn a little something!
I'm hilarious, so, that's a good reason itself...
Well, it's a way for me to share my ideas with other dance teachers and hope they are inspired by my methods and madness.
I've written blogs for other people about fitness, so now I'm going to write them for my own benefit, so check in if you want to learn a little something!
I'm hilarious, so, that's a good reason itself...
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