Trying to feel normal after ED

Although I've had a great day today, I'm in a very pensive and reflective mood. I don't have time to reflect very often and I know I need to make time, so this is my effort.

I overheard some of my students joke about purging. I wasn't upset about it, but I let them know it isn't funny to joke about mental illnesses. I was holding back tears on my car ride home because I was wondering if that is how people with eating disorders are viewed- as a big joke. I struggled for so long with several different EDs and I'm just now at a point in my life where I'm not having symptoms or really wanting to have any. I still have bad body image days, but I'll distract myself and try to forget about it although that's pretty much impossible.

I know people will joke about things they don't understand. Nobody could possibly know what I've been through or what I continue to go through on a daily basis unless they've been there. I try to explain it to the best of my ability, but I don't have the words. It's emotional, physical, and mental pain. It's feeling completely exhausted. It's feeling a hatred for yourself that you couldn't even imagine. I avoided mirrors and clothes shopping. I lost almost all of my friends because I didn't want to go out with them because I felt too fat and ugly to leave my house. They didn't understand and didn't try. I never felt so alone in my entire life. I was alone with my eating disorder. It became my only friend. I could count on it. It was always there for me. It comforted me.

I developed my first ED when I was about seven years old. I was teased in school day in and day out. I was the token fat kid in my dance classes. I used food as a security blanket. I would eat my feelings because it made me feel better. This continued to get worse over the years. Eighth grade was the worst for me. I was teased every day by the same group of kids and they would call me ugly and tell me I was too ugly to live. I would go home every day and cry and eat. I think the only reason I was never really heavy at this time was because of all the dancing I was doing. I'm pretty sure this is when my severe body dysmorphic disorder started. High school was more of the same thing, but once I graduated and was going to be going on to college and bigger and better things I thought that people might like me better if I was skinny. So, I stopped eating. I would go days at a time with no food. I just drank water and coffee. Then I'd eventually eat something like a plain baked potato or some celery and then start that cycle all over again. Toward the end of my first semester, I went six days without eating and I passed out. I woke up in the hospital. I was 82 pounds. All skin and bone. I'm still amazed I didn't die. Then my mom took me to a nutritionist and I ate and put some weight on. I was still having emotional issues, but at least I wasn't in danger of going into heart failure anymore. A few years later, I fell back into it. This time was different. This time I couldn't go as long without eating, so like 95% of other anorexics, I turned bulimic. I was dropping weight at a very fast rate again. I was eventually convinced to go into an eating disorder clinic and I really believe that they saved my life. I had found out I had given myself a heart condition (I would either pass out or almost pass out when I stood up), so I wasn't allowed to take the stairs, so I always had to take the elevator which was embarrassing. After I put weight on and got help and learned new ways to cope, I felt much better.

It's so hard to feel "normal" after all of this. I can't weigh myself, I can't count calories, I can't take measurements, and I can't measure out food portions so I'm just guessing. I feel like a freak because I can't really do a whole lot. I feel like I'm not the best fitness trainer because I can't do these things, so how am I supposed to relate to people who can? I know it's all relapse prevention, but it's so hard to feel normal. When I meet new people and they find out about my ED past, I feel judged and I get treated differently. I get treated like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I just happen to hate my body sometimes.


All I've ever wanted was to feel beautiful. I have never been able to feel this way about myself. I'm still trying to find out the secret to that. Because I feel so crappy about how I look on the outside, I try to make up for it on the inside by being the best person I can be every day. My favorite thing in the world is to make people laugh. I could settle on being known for inner beauty.


I know this is has been horribly depressing. I know it is for me. I have a couple of tears streaming down my face, but I feel like there's hope. One day I know I'll find my place and feel "normal", whatever that may be. Some days when I see a Victoria's Secret commercial I'll break down and cry because I will never look like that. Other days I'm satisfied knowing that if it came down to it, I could easily kick any of those skinny bitch's asses if I had to. I would love to feel empowered like that all the time. I'm working on it.