My life

I'm not sure if anybody even reads this, but, I haven't blogged in a while, so, I figured I'd write a little something. It helps me to get my crazy thoughts out, so, at least it might be amusing anyway...I haven't even really organized any thoughts, so, we'll see where this goes!

My divorce was finalized on the 21st. I am now a free woman and can do whatever I want (well, within legal limits). It's a liberating feeling, but at the same time it's overwhelming because I have to completely adapt to being single and doing things for myself instead of for a husband. I have my moments where I'm not OK with it, but it needed to happen and I know I'll be better off in the long run.

My mind is going in two different directions all the time and it's getting a little dizzying. On one hand my confidence is through the roof because I've been getting hit on non-stop for the last week, yet I feel completely undesirable because the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with doesn't want me at all. I feel like I'm finally headed in the right direction in my life, but I feel completely lost at the same time. I feel completely over the fact that I'm divorced because life has to go on, but I still feel a little broken. I'll never be the same person I used to be. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying it's almost a grieving process I'm going through to say goodbye to that former self. I'm coming out of this a more wise person, so I suppose I should be thankful for that. I know exactly what I'm willing to put up with and things I'm willing to let slide. I know for a fact that I will never put up with emotional abuse ever again. I didn't see it at the time, but, I know what to look out for and it's never happening again.


It's my turn to be selfish and put myself first for a change. I have a clean slate and I'm taking full advantage of it. I have a chance to be exactly who I am and everybody can either love it or hate it, I really don't care. I'm not saying "It's all about me now *sassy finger snap*", but, I'm going to continue to do what I do and not care about what people think. I'm going to continue to choreograph pieces that people consider "odd", but that's my dance language. It's different, get over it. I'm going to do my stand-up and if you don't think it's funny, suck my balls. Don't care. I'm going to do burlesque and no one finds me sexy, I'm still doing it. I'm doing things for myself and not giving two shits.


I've completely surrounded myself with positive people. I've had the best support system and I couldn't thank them enough. They know who they are, so, thank you. I love you all and I really don't know if I could have gotten through this without any of you. You've lent me shoulders to cry on, willing ears to listen to me ramble and rant, open arms when all I needed was a hug, and helpful hands to help me up and get back on my feet. I don't have the words to to begin to express my gratitude. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. (Yeah, I'm fully aware how cheesy that is, so, suck it.)


This whole divorce thing has been the craziest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on and I hope I never have to ride it again. I've laughed hysterically, cried hysterically, felt lonely, loved, angry, content, peaceful, depressed, and pretty much every emotion you could even think of. It's the hardest thing I think I'll ever have to deal with. I'm glad the actual divorce part is done, so now my healing can take place and I can get on with my life.

Make up your minds already!

I just need to vent some frustrations, so, don't mind me.

Ever since I started to go through my divorce, I've had a few friends and family members (don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for them) who are turning into Hawk-Eyed Food Nazis with me. Every day I get asked by several people "You're still eating, aren't you?" or "You didn't purge today did you?" Believe me, I'll let you know if it happens. I'm trying to keep myself accountable. On the other hand, I have friends and family members who watch me eat and say "That's a lot of food." Well, make up your minds. Either I'm not eating or eating too much. I work out a lot and am very active all day, so, I need the calories. I'm also trying to get over a plateau right now, so, I'm upping my calories. Yeah, I've noticed that I'm really bloated, but, that's because I have IBS and I'm stressed, so, I'm gonna look pregnant by the middle of the day. Saying something like "Last time I saw you, you had a six pack, and now you're looking bloated." Thank you. I'm fully aware that I don't look all that great right now. "You know you need to eating certain percentages of fats, proteins, and carbs, so, why don't you do that? You'd probably look better." Well, because I can't count calories. I can only ballpark it. If I do count, I'll get obsessive and probably get overwhelmed and stop eating. So, you choose: either I eat and get horribly bloated, or, I don't eat for several days, binge, and then purge. It's up to you. If you want me to eat, stop the insensitive comments, please. I'm having a hard enough time as it is. It would be extremely refreshing to hear someone say "Wow. You look good today." Why can't someone just do that and leave me the hell alone? Even if you don't even mean it, it would still be nice to hear.

I'm fully aware of how fucked up this makes me sound...

The Ex-Files

Yeah, the title isn't particularly clever, but, whatever.

I'm in a really reflective mood tonight, but I'm also in the mood to share it. Normally when I get in these types of moods I'll shut down and not want to talk to anybody. I always retreat into my little fantasy world where I listen to music and choreograph it in my head. I mean there's costumes and everything...It's just what I do. Weird? Probably...

Anyway, my divorce is going to be finalized in less than a month and I've been thinking a lot about my entire relationship. I realized that while most of it wasn't my fault, I still know where I fucked up. I know it sounds crazy, but I think I loved him too much. It was scary. I was willing to sacrifice myself and my personality for his happiness. I put him first. He was my life. I did everything for him. Because of that, he took me completely for granted and it made me feel like shit, so I'd do even more for him and the cycle would continue. All I wanted to hear from him was that I was enough just as I was. I wanted to hear that I didn't have to pretend to not be loud and obnoxious around people. I wanted him to tell me that he appreciated my quirks, idiosyncrasies, faults, everything, and it was OK because it was who I am. Telling me I laugh too loud, make weird jokes at anybody willing to listen to me, dance around wherever I am, and just having the best time I possibly can is embarrassing to him still is a blow to my self esteem. I know my personality can be a lot to handle sometimes, I'll be the first person to admit that, but, why wasn't it OK? Why was I wrong for being myself? I questioned all of this so many sleepless nights, but it hit me a couple of weeks ago: It is enough, just not for him. I'm enough for myself, and that's all that matters. I have friends who appreciate me for my personality and I know there's somebody out there who will want to be with me for exactly who I am, flaws and all.

If anything, I use this as a learning experience. I know exactly who I am, what I want, and I know not to settle for anything. I've learned I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. I've always been extremely independent, but I know that I have even more inner strength than I knew I was even capable of. Really, it all boiled down to this: I had two choices. I could either let this completely destroy me, or, I learn and move on. Guess which one I've chosen? I've gone the route of letting something completely destroy me and I'm never doing that again because it caused me to be 82 lbs, have jacked up teeth, and a heart problem. I'm not going through that again. I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and healing. There has been a few nights where I sobbed because I never thought the hurting would stop. I couldn't imagine being able to feel whole again after this kind of betrayal. You know what? I'm over the worst part. Every once in a while a thought will creep into my head about it, but, I quickly tell myself it isn't worth it and I think about how he didn't deserve such a kick ass person. For the first time in a very long time, I really do feel like I kick ass. I haven't felt this good about myself since...I can't even remember...What does that tell you? I'm pretty much completely at peace with this and with myself. Sure, almost every day he'll do something to piss me off and at the time I'll let it, but then eventually I let it go and remind myself that he's trying to piss me off and I'm not giving him that satisfaction.

As soon as I'm done typing this I'm going to start choreographing, but stuff I actually have to choreograph, not my "escaping into my happy place" choreographing. I only have two classes this summer and these will be my last ones at this studio. I've chosen to go out on a different note. I'm doing straight up, classical ballet pieces. I've found two songs that perfectly describe how I feel right now. I don't normally do "pretty", I do "quirky", so it'll be different and completely unexpected, which, goes perfectly with my quirkiness. If anybody is interested in knowing exactly what is going on in my head about my divorce and my feelings about it, check out "Glitter In The Air" by Pink and "Little Red" by Kate Nash.

An update.

I know I haven't written much lately, but I've had some crazy stuff going on, so, that's my excuse!

Since my last blog, I have moved out of my house and into an apartment with one of my closest friends. It's been a bit of an adjustment, but every day I'm getting more and more comfortable and it's starting to feel like home. He isn't charging me rent because he knows I'm planning on leaving Michigan after my divorce is finalized. I just have to pay for food and I'm all set. It's very nice of him to do that for me and I'm so lucky to have such a good friend. It's nice to not have to walk on eggshells all the time like I had to before. I can be myself and it's the most liberating feeling. I had to sacrifice so much of my personality to be with my husband, and I'm not going to let that happen again. If I ever find somebody (well, I should say if somebody is willing to put up with my craziness), he'll have to love me for me and that's it. If he can't, byeeee.

I had a very bittersweet weekend. Friday was the first recital for the kids 8 and younger. My little ones did a great job and I was so proud of them! Saturday, after working for 6 hours at the gym, I had to go to the other recital for the older students. They all did amazing! I absolutely love watching my choreography take shape on stage. It makes me feel like I'm doing something good. I was really proud of all of my pieces this year and of my students who are excited about my choreography. After the recital at the little after party we have every year, I broke the news to everyone that I wasn't going to be there next year. That news did not go over well at all. The students who weren't furious at me were crying. Then the furious ones started crying and then we all were crying. It was kind of a mess. It was so nice to feel so loved. I haven't felt that way in a very long time, but, after that night I felt like people needed me. Like they wanted me around. Most of them were trying to convince me not to go and bargaining with me that if I stayed they'd all "try to get better" at ballet. It broke my heart because that wasn't the issue at all. I have very talented students! I need to move on. After this divorce, there is nothing left for me here in Michigan. It's time to move on and I know they all understand that now, but it hurt at the time. I'm fortunate that at my age I know what I want to do with my life. Actually, scratch that, I know what I NEED to be doing with my life. I feel like my purpose in life is to teach dance technique and to pass on my love and passion for dance to others. I've done that here. My job is done. I will miss every single one of my kids. They have taught me so much about being a better dance teacher and a better person. I'll never forget them.

On another note, I've found another way of making a little extra money on the side. It's not much, but, I finally started charging people for Tarot readings and automatic writings. I was starting to feel taken advantage of, so now I can at least feel that way, but with a few extra dollars in my pocket. I'll still do some for free, but, not very many people get that privilege!

I've been feeling much more peaceful lately. I'm completely at peace with my current situation and am going to welcome the next chapter of my life with open arms. I'll never have all the answers that I want, but that's OK. I don't need to know. All I know is that it didn't work out, so all I can do is move on and finally be happy. It's an amazing feeling!

So, that's about it!

Sigh...

I just found out that a year ago I was fooled by my students and I used a Miley Cyrus song for their recital. This is what happens when they just bring in a song to me...Sneaky students...And then dumb teacher for not realizing this until a year later...I never claimed to be smart.


I am aware that I'm using one this year because I like the song. I'm also currently jamming to it. Damn you, Miley Cyrus for having catchy songs.

P90X For Dancers

Everybody knows I'm a huge advocate of P90X. It's a very well rounded program and it can be an extremely beneficial tool for dancers who are looking to increase their fitness level. I modified the program to suit my needs as a dancer because I wasn't sure how my body was going to respond or what was included in the program.

I started P90X in August of last year after seeing the infomercial and hearing about it from friends. All of my dancer friends wanted to try the program, but we were all afraid of getting bulky and how that would affect flexibility. I was still under the impression that bulk would limit mobility since that is what every single dance teacher I've ever had told me. It isn't true. I decided to be the guinea pig of the group and I ordered the program and have had amazing results from it. I'm still just as flexible, if not even a little bit more, but I'm much stronger and that has helped me with my dancing.

I didn't do the pull ups since I was afraid that it would limit shoulder mobility. I'm still not sure if this would happen, but the next round I do I'm going to try them and see what happens. Other than that I kept the program exactly the same. I always tell my students to cross train with either yoga or Pilates, so Yoga X was perfect for me. It helps build stabilizer muscles and that definitely helps with barre work (if you're a ballet dancer). Pilates does the same thing, but, it was much more convenient with yoga built right into the program.

I also substituted X-Stretch with my own stretching regimen. It's a great DVD for the average person, but I was taking a nap the whole time, and I think most dancers would probably feel the same way.

The cardio workouts are great to obviously build stamina. As dancers, we only really need the stamina for short bursts at a time while either moving across the floor or during a performance. Nobody needs to see a huffing and puffing cygnet in "Swan Lake", so the cardio workouts make class, and life, a lot easier.


Let's face it, dancers are changing. Dance is changing. We're able to do more now than we ever have before because of advances in pointe shoes, or even technique in general. We have to be strong and not waif-like. Most professional dancers now are getting to be very bulky to keep up with the demands of the choreographers. Try out the program, and if you aren't jumping higher after doing Plyometrics, either you were some kind of Superman before, or you're doing something wrong, because I'm jumping even higher than some men that I know. I'm not getting winded at all (far from it). I'm stronger and more confident and that, in turn, makes my dancing that much better.

Just My Two Cents

So, I'm sitting here at the dance studio and no one has shown up for my 6:00 class, so I have an hour to kill. It's fine, girls. We don't have recitals in three weeks or anything...With my hour to kill I've decided to write this blog because I've had a lot of people asking me about my stance on this issue, so, here it is:

There's a video that's been going around of 7 year olds dancing very provocatively at a dance competition. They're very scantily clad and most of the moves look like they came out of Carmen Electra's Strip Aerobics videos. I'm not going to post the video, but you can easily look it up for yourself. I'm not posting it because I think it's disgusting. Girls that age SHOULD NOT be dressed like that or dancing like that.

I've gotten into several debates with other dance teachers about this video and it seems that half of us hate it, but the other half seem to think it's OK. As a competition dance teacher, I can tell you that I wouldn't let my girls do that unless they were 18 and even then I'd be extremely hesitant.

Yes, their technique and level of dancing at that young of an age is nothing short of incredible, so I'll at least give it that, but let them be children. I understand the nature of competitions, but that got taken WAY too far. Then I was concerned at how much these girls are probably training and they'll have incredibly short dance careers because of it.

In conclusion, let kids be kids. My 7 year olds dance to Disney songs, The Andrews Sisters, or other songs that have absolutely nothing provocative in them. Call me old fashioned.