I'm in a really reflective mood tonight, but I'm also in the mood to share it. Normally when I get in these types of moods I'll shut down and not want to talk to anybody. I always retreat into my little fantasy world where I listen to music and choreograph it in my head. I mean there's costumes and everything...It's just what I do. Weird? Probably...
Anyway, my divorce is going to be finalized in less than a month and I've been thinking a lot about my entire relationship. I realized that while most of it wasn't my fault, I still know where I fucked up. I know it sounds crazy, but I think I loved him too much. It was scary. I was willing to sacrifice myself and my personality for his happiness. I put him first. He was my life. I did everything for him. Because of that, he took me completely for granted and it made me feel like shit, so I'd do even more for him and the cycle would continue. All I wanted to hear from him was that I was enough just as I was. I wanted to hear that I didn't have to pretend to not be loud and obnoxious around people. I wanted him to tell me that he appreciated my quirks, idiosyncrasies, faults, everything, and it was OK because it was who I am. Telling me I laugh too loud, make weird jokes at anybody willing to listen to me, dance around wherever I am, and just having the best time I possibly can is embarrassing to him still is a blow to my self esteem. I know my personality can be a lot to handle sometimes, I'll be the first person to admit that, but, why wasn't it OK? Why was I wrong for being myself? I questioned all of this so many sleepless nights, but it hit me a couple of weeks ago: It is enough, just not for him. I'm enough for myself, and that's all that matters. I have friends who appreciate me for my personality and I know there's somebody out there who will want to be with me for exactly who I am, flaws and all.
If anything, I use this as a learning experience. I know exactly who I am, what I want, and I know not to settle for anything. I've learned I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. I've always been extremely independent, but I know that I have even more inner strength than I knew I was even capable of. Really, it all boiled down to this: I had two choices. I could either let this completely destroy me, or, I learn and move on. Guess which one I've chosen? I've gone the route of letting something completely destroy me and I'm never doing that again because it caused me to be 82 lbs, have jacked up teeth, and a heart problem. I'm not going through that again. I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and healing. There has been a few nights where I sobbed because I never thought the hurting would stop. I couldn't imagine being able to feel whole again after this kind of betrayal. You know what? I'm over the worst part. Every once in a while a thought will creep into my head about it, but, I quickly tell myself it isn't worth it and I think about how he didn't deserve such a kick ass person. For the first time in a very long time, I really do feel like I kick ass. I haven't felt this good about myself since...I can't even remember...What does that tell you? I'm pretty much completely at peace with this and with myself. Sure, almost every day he'll do something to piss me off and at the time I'll let it, but then eventually I let it go and remind myself that he's trying to piss me off and I'm not giving him that satisfaction.
As soon as I'm done typing this I'm going to start choreographing, but stuff I actually have to choreograph, not my "escaping into my happy place" choreographing. I only have two classes this summer and these will be my last ones at this studio. I've chosen to go out on a different note. I'm doing straight up, classical ballet pieces. I've found two songs that perfectly describe how I feel right now. I don't normally do "pretty", I do "quirky", so it'll be different and completely unexpected, which, goes perfectly with my quirkiness. If anybody is interested in knowing exactly what is going on in my head about my divorce and my feelings about it, check out "Glitter In The Air" by Pink and "Little Red" by Kate Nash.
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