Craziest. Week. Ever.

I'll depart from my Snap Fitness stories for today. It's been a really weird week and I need to process it. What better place to do that than on the internet? Right?


For those of you who don't know, I'm going to be moving to Hermosa Beach, CA. I'm leaving on Thursday so I've got a ton of last minute packing/getting my shit together/saying goodbyes to do, so things have been a little on the hectic side. I'll start from last Thursday, so I can include a reference to "The Ring" about "Seven days...."


Thursday, ("Seven days") was my last crazy ass 7 hour shift at Snap/going up to 1 On 1 in between staffed hours at Snap. (See how I snuck the reference in there? Clever! I'm awesome!) It was supposed to be my last time with my autistic client and I really didn't want to have to tell him it was the last time. I knew he was going to be upset. We've really bonded over the last couple of months. Anyway, I get my Snap business done and at 2 I left to go up to 1 On 1. I tell my client it's our last session and he immediately begins to cry and begs me to stay. I start to cry and was a hot mess all the way back to Snap where I had to try to hold it together until 7 when my shift was over. It was a very upsetting day, but I was very excited that I only had "Seven days" until I moved. (See? Another one!)


Friday was another day where I was a hot mess. I worked until 2 and went up to the dance studio where it was my last day there. I performed two pieces and I had a really hard time getting through one of them just because of the emotion of the song, paired with the fact that it was the last time I was going to be dancing for my girls. When it was time for me to leave there were a lot of tears. I pretty much cried the entire way home (which is roughly an hour). My friends who weren't going to be able to make my party on Saturday took me out for a night of drinking and karaoke. For those of you who know me, I am not the best singer in the world. I've heard worse, but, I'm not great by any means. They were having a contest that night and I wanted to enter because I could and it would be fun. Mind you, I was out with other theatre people and one of them gives voice lessons for a living and we all thought she had this in the bag. Wrong!! Once we found out the winner was going to be chosen by applause and not by talent, I thought I had a chance because I know how to work a room. I chose "Bohemian Rhapsody" because what other song gets people going than that one? Yeah...I know...So, I go up there and did my thing. I mean I sang the guitar solos and everything. I got the whole place involved and it was epic. My friend who does the voice lessons sang something from Martina McBride. She did a phenomenal job because she's a phenomenal singer, but, I won anyway. I did get a gift card to the bar, but, since I'm moving I'm not going to use it, I gave it to one of my closest friends. I did, however, take away some major bragging rights!! It was pretty sweet.

Saturday was my last day at Snap and my going away party. It was really bittersweet being at work. I was happy to be done, but sad to be leaving at the same time. I really do like that place. The people there are awesome and I got paid to really do nothing. It was one of the best jobs I've ever had. Later on that evening I had my party. I was expecting about 16 people. Only 8 showed up, which is fine. The 8 that did show up are fun people. I have never been that tanked in my entire life. From what I remember, it was a great time!


Sunday was a family day. My mom, Nick, and I went up to my grandparent's cottage and just hung out. We went swimming and relaxed. A lot of my other family members knew we were going to be up there, so a lot of them showed up to see me before I left. It was a really nice surprise and I was so happy I got to see so many people I love! It was a good day.


Today was probably the hardest out of them all. This morning I had to deal with a ton of nonsense because I had to get stuff out of my ex-husband's house, but I won't get into it because, again, I'm minding my karma because of this massive road trip I have ahead of me. Mama doesn't need any bad juju right now. Since I'm a pushover, I wound up scheduling one last session with my autistic client. That was really difficult. He kept saying he wished he would've brought something to me so I could remember him. I told him I'll always remember him. I didn't need anything. I then promised to send him postcards. I cried again as I was leaving. I also went by the theatre so I could say goodbye to everybody over there. This was probably the hardest thing I've had to do so far. I've known most of these people since I was little. A couple of them were my dance teachers from the time I started dancing at 4 until I graduated high school. One of them I've been dancing with forever and shared dance teacher frustrations with and we've been close for so long. I'm really going to miss them. Facebook makes it easy for me to stay in touch with them, but it isn't the same as seeing them face to face.

Tonight is my last night at this apartment with Nick. He's done so much for me in the last few months that I couldn't possibly even think of how to begin to thank him. Throughout my divorce he was there to listen when I needed to vent, kicked me in the ass when I needed it, and has helped me pick myself up and dust myself off. He's been a major support system for me. He didn't have to let me come and stay with him. For this, I'll always be grateful and love him very dearly. I can't wait for him to move out with me so I can return the favor. He's one of the very few people I know that will always be there for me no matter what and that is something to definitely smile about!


Tomorrow will be even crazier with packing my car, closing out my bank account, saying even more last minute goodbyes, and spending time with my family. It's going to be a very emotional day for me, so I have no idea what's going to happen!


This will probably be my last blog until I get out there and get the internet, so, enjoy!

Imperium Sine Fine

Ladies and gentleman, I feel very saddened but honored that I have been asked (by nobody in particular) to give this eulogy. I think this is the way it would have wanted it. Star Wars Guy Richard Simmon's Afro, you were a good fro. You shaded Star Wars Guy's scalp when it was sunny. You held in heat to warm him in the winter. You did everything a good afro could do. You will be missed. I will miss the way you were thinning in the back, but you still held strong. I will miss how you managed to be so curly, yet look so masculine. You were the best fro that has ever stepped foot in the gym. Rest in peace, soft and downy Richard Simmons afro. You are in a better place now.

Some inspiration

"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." — Marilyn Monroe

As Promised

Here is the blog that I had promised to write about. My day on Saturday was...interesting, to say the least. It involves ex-felons, other dudes, and public urination. Intrigued? Keep reading.


It started out to be a completely normal day. I got up, ate, put my make up on and went to teach my cardio class before my shift starts. Only one person showed up to my class. She wanted a quick ab workout and then she was going to run. So, I give her what she wants and I decide to go to my mom's house because she lives a minute away and I had 40 minutes until my shift started. I didn't feel like sitting around doing nothing. I go there, get some coffee, and my mom tells me she's coming in today to reactivate her account. Fine. Make me have to work...I go back to work and get everything going. Luckily the dryer was fixed so I didn't have to go back to the laundrymat and run into the possibility of seeing Toothless Joe. Eventually, my mom comes in and I get her account reactivated and she heads on over to an elliptical. Then they came in...Two guys walk in and one of them says the other guy wants to work out so he needs to sign a guest waiver. The guy who is already a member will be known as Sideways Hat, and his friend who was trying really, really hard to be "gangsta" shall be known as Skinny Dude. I get out the paperwork for Skinny Dude and I thought I'd make polite conversation and say "I like your tattoos." Harmless, right? He then looks at mine and says "I really like this one" and proceeds to stroke my Marilyn portrait. Did I say you could touch me? No...Then he says "I really like that kind of style. Kind of like a Suicide Girl. Are you a Suicide Girl?" I responded with "No. I work around children, so, that wouldn't be good." Then he touched my tattoo again and said something and then called me "sweetie" and walked away. I don't know what is going on exactly, but I've had many people coming up to me and randomly touching my tattoos. I think there's something in the water...(Keep in mind my mom is on an elliptical this whole time.) I'm going about my business while these two guys are working out. After a few minutes Sideways Hat approaches me and asks me how I got my job. I explained that I'm a personal trainer. He looks at the corkboard with my picture and the two other trainers on there and he asked me if I was either married to the owner or to one of the trainers. What a weird question, I thought. Finally my mom comes over to the desk and sits there and talks to me as I began to fold towels. Sideways Hat is trying to get something out of the vending machine and he says it ate some change, so I get the key and open it to see what the problem is. I fix said problem and I turned to give him some change and he says "Damn, you look good in them black pants." All I could say was "Thank you?" and I walked back to the desk to continue folding. My mom is laughing because she heard this and says "It's your fault for wearing those." Thanks, mom. After she had left I was still folding and I could hear those two guys talking to one of the other members asking him how they can get muscles like him. He asked them how much they currently weigh, so they walked over to the scale and they both weighed themselves. Then I heard "I've lost 4 lbs since I got out." come out of Skinny Dude's mouth. That really can only mean one thing, but I don't judge. Whatever. Then Jeff (the member who they were getting advice from) had heard that as well and asked what he was in for and he said "Criminal sexual misconduct" like it was nothing. "Oh, good" I thought. Then, both of them came up to me and this was basically the exchange:

Sideways Hat: "I bet you get all the guys coming up to you and telling you you look so good in them black pants."
Me: "No."
Skinny Dude: "Do you work here all the time?"
Me: "Only on the days that I'm scheduled, so, no."
Sideways Hat: "Can we come back later?"
Me: "Um...We're open 24/7, so, yes."
Skinny Dude: "Can we come in while you're working?"
Me: "I can't tell you what to do."

Then they left. I felt the need to either bathe or never go back to work. Ever. The rest of the day, I kept getting hit on by random men that I see in there all the time. Then I remembered that we were going to be having a full moon soon, so I figured that's what it had to be and left it at that. I also decided after that day that I'm going to find the baggiest pair of sweatpants and just wear those all the time. I've officially sworn off yoga pants.


Later on that night, I had to go to my mom's office to print out an application to an apartment complex because the one that I had fell through. There was a jazz festival in the downtown area, so there were a ton of people around. While my mom and I were walking to my car, I go to the driver's side and there's a young girl there, squatting, and urinating. She looks at me and starts laughing. First of all, I don't want you to look at me while you're squatting by my car. I sigh heavily and say "You know there was probably a bathroom in the bar, right?" I was really stressed out and frustrated, so I admit I was being rude when I shouldn't have been. She continues to laugh. She was squatting there for quite a while. My mom and I were looking at each other like "Ummmm....gross." If you've ever seen "Austin Powers", that's the kind of length of time I'm talking about here. This chick took forever!!! I finally decided to just climb into the driver's seat from the passenger side because I wasn't about to walk through this girl's ever increasing pool of urine.


So, that was my day, how was yours?

Throwing Glitter In The Air

I've been tossing a couple of ideas back and forth about what today's blog should be about. My day yesterday was interesting and would make for a very funny entry, but, I'm not feeling very funny today, so I thought about posting my thoughts, and that seemed to be the most appealing to me. I'll post a funny blog later. I promise.


I've been listening to a song called "Glitter In The Air" by Pink over and over today. Half because I have to because I'm not happy with my choreography to it, and then because this song touches me like very few songs have. I don't know if it's because of my dance background, and I know this is going to sound incredibly cheesy, but I feel music. The movement of the song, the lyrics, the melody, everything. It's perfect. It describes my feelings about my life right now in a way that I can't express verbally, and again, it's not just the lyrics, but the song as a whole. I think this is why I'm having a hard time choreographing it. I've got some complex things going on, and it's hard to express those and the way I express myself is with dance. It's like being tongue tied physically. I just don't know what I want to say. I'm feeling very conflicted with a few things right now, and that's coming across in my choreography. I know I just need to stop trying so hard and it'll come more naturally. I wish I had access to the beach. That seemed to work last time.

This song makes me feel hopeful. Right now, I'm at a major turning point in my life and I know which way I have to go. I know which turn I have to take and I'm looking forward to it. I know things will be much better and as afraid as I am, I'll be OK. I'm taking steps to better my life because only I can do that and it's very empowering. I'm in control and I don't have anybody holding me back or trying to take it from me.

I'm even having a hard time trying to find the words to describe how this song makes me feel. I can only dance these emotions.


Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight

Brother, can you spare a tooth?

Yesterday the dryer at the gym decided it didn't want to work anymore. I dreaded the phone call to my boss because he'd probably think it was my fault. He's under the impression I'm stupid. Whatever. Anyway, I call him and he tells me to go down to the laundrymat that's in the same complex. I sighed and put all the wet towels in a garbage bag and headed outside where it's hotter than a crotch. I've never stepped foot in one of these places before so I'm overwhelmed by the people, sights, and smells of this place. I'm pretty sure they've never swept the floor since the place opened. The people were....interesting (I don't want to say anything mean. I'm trying to keep a very good eye on my karma right now, so I'm going to put a Karma Cap on this whole blog). It also smelled like something died and nobody bothered to find out what or who it was. If anybody has any missing relatives, I'd check there...I go about my business and dry the towels and head back into work, praying to anything holy that I wouldn't have to return the next day.

But I did. Today was different. I was there during the day, so it was an entirely different set of people. There was a young couple, a few shady looking old people, and someone I nicknamed Toothless Joe. He basically looked like a bowling ball on toothpicks, at least from the neck down. He was wearing black jeans, a black tshirt that probably hadn't been washed since 1986, suspenders that looked like rulers (I'm not making this up), and a baseball cap. He was making his rounds and talking to all of the people in there. I kept thinking "Please don't talk to me....Please don't talk to me.....PLEASE DON'T TALK TO ME!!!!" The cries getting more and more desperate the closer he got to my vicinity. The closer he got I also got a better look at him. He only had one tooth. I couldn't tell if it was on the bottom or top jaw because this seriously was one big ass tooth. "Good for that tooth. It's a trooper," I thought, hoping he wasn't going to get any closer. Then it came, I made the mistake of looking up and we made eye contact. Crap...He smiled, I still can't tell where the hell that tooth is rooted, and he said "How do you know it's time to do your laundry?" I was taken aback by his comment and I said "What?" I wasn't sure if it was a rhetorical question or if he was seriously asking me. He repeated himself and then said "If you throw 'em against a wall, they'll stick." I smiled politely and was pretty sure that it wasn't meant to be a joke, but advice. He then continued to tell me some weird racist jokes which I wasn't listening to because I was getting creeped out and was desperately looking for an employee or something, but, to no avail. Apparently nobody works there...Anyway, for his finale he said "How is a BBQed chicken and a suntan the same?" I said "How?" He replied "The white parts are the best." Then he walked away and I felt the need to bathe. Still do, in fact. He then proceeded to the young couple and started to tell them jokes. They retorted with horrible racist jokes of their own. Then the timer went off on the dryer and I had no idea I could stuff towels into a bag that fast. I walked out of there, smiling, because I knew I'd never have to go back and see Toothless Joe.

Another Man's Treasure

Working at a gym has some definite advantages. You get to be around like minded people, you're educating everybody who's willing to listen to your random fitness and nutrition tirades, you get to work out for free, and you get to meet some of the weirdest people to ever walk the planet, which always makes for a good time.


My favorite person that has ever waltzed into my life was, oh, let's call him, Rico Suave, you know, to protect his identity or something...Anyway, Rico Suave came into the gym and signed up while I was working. He was a tall man. A tan man. He had a gentle way about him. And then he opened his mouth. He has the composure of George Castanza and the suaveness of David Schwimmer. I was pretty positive he was hammered. He asked me about what the black book by the desk was and I explained it's to sign up for a free orientation where he will be whisked away on a tour of the gym and a free fitness assessment, and by "assessment" we mean "we'll take some measurements." He was uncomfortable about having a dude measure him, so, he signed up for at 10 am for me the very next day. Thank you for choosing me. As he was leaving and I handed him his key card he said "Thanks, babe." I stopped for a second and it hit me he called me "babe." Well, all I did was sign you up at a gym, tiger. Calm down.


The very next day, promptly at 10:00, Rico Suave showed up. It was probably the first time he'd ever shown up for anything on time besides Happy Hour at a bar where everybody is dressed like hooker pirates. He sat down and we began his orientation. He's answering questions as manly as he can by bragging about how much he can bench and all I'm thinking about is "I wonder what happened to Pauly Shore. I'm glad he's not making movies anymore, but, what is he doing now?" Then we get to the part where I have to take measurements. I had been dreading this all morning. It was probably the first time a girl had ever touched him besides one of the hooker pirate waitresses slapping him. So, I proceeded with taking an arm measurement. No weird comment. Hmmm, I thought, maybe this isn't going to be weird. Chest measurement. Nothing. Waist. Still nothing. Hip. Silence. Thigh. Of course...I'm bending down and there he is....at half mast....in my face. He was saying something about how he hates something and I muttered "Kind of like unwanted boners in your face" under my breath. He heard me muttering and I quickly replied with "What?" acting like I hadn't said anything and I was merely talking to myself. After I showed him around the gym I hoped I'd never see him again. I was wrong. Things were about to get worse.

The next day, he comes back to work out. Awesome. He leaves me alone all morning and he was about to leave and he approached me. I was sitting at the desk, folding towels and minding my own business when he, as suave as he could, sauntered over and gave me a smoldering look and said "Hey, I heard you just got divorced. You know what they say, one man's trash...." All I could get out of my mouth was "Um...What?" Why leave it there? Why not finish the statement? Did he just call me trash? It was one of the very few times in my life that I was completely speechless and everybody within ear shot was also speechless. He sensed this and awkwardly left. It took me a few moments to realize what the hell just happened. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or sit in the shower in the fetal position. Either way, I haven't seen Rico Suave since. I'm afraid I broke the poor bastard's heart. C'est la vie.