Pilates

I was going to post this a few days ago, but then my computer decided it wanted to be a jerk and get a virus, so, it's a few days later than I wanted it to be, but here it is.


For any of you who know me, you know that I absolutely love Pilates. I love it so much that I found a mentor and became certified to teach. It's always been incredibly important to me as a dancer, but, anybody can benefit from it.


Pilates focuses on the core, but more specifically, on the transverse abdominis. On every single exhale, this muscle is supposed to be contracted. It's the same set of muscles you use to stop the flow of urine, or, if you're a woman, it's a Kegel exercise. Pilates is also about length. It won't give you bulk, which is why it's amazing for dancers although that's changing. It also focuses on the body-mind connection.

There are an absolute TON of health benefits from Pilates, so, here's a short list:
- Long, lean muscle
- Weight loss
- Heart and lung endurance
- Anti-aging effects
- Build bone density
- Better focus and concentration
- Better memory
- Increased flexibility
- Self awareness
- Stronger immune system
- Better sleep
- Self confidence
- Increased circulation
- Better posture
- Faster metabolism
- Overall better health

I could go on for days, so I'll let that soak in. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have!

The Biggest Loser

I know a lot of people who are absolutely obsessed with this show. I watched it once with some friends and I love the idea of a show where they are helping people lose weight. I don't love the idea that they are eliminating people and having them lose WAY too much weight WAY too fast.

It's ridiculous to think that people can be eliminated for not losing enough body fat. Well, put them up against somebody who is either male and/or has way more body fat than you do, and guess what? You're not going to lose as much body fat compared to them! So I guess the logical thing is that you're not working hard enough and you get sent home. Really? Also, one of the contestants lost 100 lbs in 7 weeks or something like that. Again, REALLY? Here I was under the impression that 2 lbs a week was healthy weight loss. Yeah, yeah, most of it was water weight at first, but, COME ON! The trainers should KNOW BETTER! They also should know that half the crap they have them do at the gym is NOT GOOD FOR THEM TO BE DOING AT THEIR CURRENT WEIGHT AND FITNESS LEVEL!!! Is that what I have to do to be a successful trainer like Jillian Michaels? I can do unsafe things, put my clients in danger of injury and scrunch up the left side of my face whenever I talk too, but that isn't me. I don't know, for some reason I like to err on the side of caution and not hurt people.

I think I'd like the show better if nobody was eliminated and they encouraged healthy weight loss. It also wouldn't hurt if Jillian stopped the scrunch face routine too...

My new project

Before I go into detail about my new project (that may be the death of me if I'm able to get this off the ground, but it would be worth it), I'd like to rant a little bit about dance. This is my favorite topic, so hopefully I can keep this relatively short.

On Friday, I heard some of the dancers at the studio kind of arguing about which dance style is the best and takes the most talent. This kind of stuff really irks me. I stepped in and I told them we're all doing the same exact thing, but using a different technique. It's all about expressing yourself with your body. It doesn't matter what you call your style. It doesn't matter what kind of music you're using. I don't let music define what dance style I feel like doing. I've been known to use hip hop for a ballet piece, classical music for a hip hop piece, I can tap dance to The Misfits, I can do lyrical to Prince if I wanted, hell I'm using Marilyn Manson for a pointe piece this year, it's all about the movement and the freedom of the movement. You may not understand who I am when you're talking to me, but you'll know exactly who I am as a person when you see me dance. When I'm dancing, the guards are down, the baggage is set aside and I'm my true self. It's a completely vulnerable state, but I embrace it. I may not be able to tell you how I'm feeling about something, but I can sure as hell SHOW you how I'm feeling using my body. Which leads me into my project:

I want to start my own dance company. I want to fuse styles together (which is my favorite thing in the world to do) and show that we're all after the same goal: art. All dance is created equally. Sure, we all can favor one style over the other (guess which one is my favorite), but it doesn't make it better than all other forms. I have a lot of great ideas and a lot of great choreography swimming around in my head that I would love to see come to life. I can't do a lot of what I really want to do with my students because they're not willing to "go there" with me. I want dancers who don't hold back. A lot of dancers are afraid of what they can really do, and it scares them. I need some fearless people!

I'll make a few phone calls tomorrow and see where I can get a rehearsal space. Then, I'll probably put an ad on Craigslist for auditions. I would love to see this happen. I need to do something creative.

Here's an update:

OK, so, I know my last post was awful, and it felt awful (believe me), but Chris and I are going to be working things out, so, false alarm...We'll be OK. We're going to start counseling soon and although I'm not living at the house full time right now, I'm hoping to be moving back in soon. It's kind of lame staying with my parents half of the week and sleeping on an air mattress. Although my sheets are hot pink, so I guess that makes me feel better.


In other news, I'll still be teaching Pilates at Snap Fitness (for now), but I did just get a job at a chiropractor's office as a fitness trainer. It's really awesome because he has a ton of equipment, massage therapists, a nutritionist, and a couple of other chiropractors all in the same building. He'll be hiring in a male trainer because as he put it "Not every guy wants to work with a 100 lb female trainer." Me? 100 lbs? Why, thank you! However, it's understandable because a lot of men think women don't know anything about fitness, so, whatever...

On the dance front, things are fine. Although I almost had a mutiny on my hands the other day, but I quickly diffused that situation. Teenagers...ugh...


I've been having some issues lately with my body (as usual.) I'm about 99.9% sure I have iliopsoas tendonitis in my right hip, which would explain the problems I've been having. I've been icing it and treating it very nicely. I also now am mysteriously having problems with my right calf muscle (yeah, my right leg is kind of a mess right now). It feels so incredibly tight, and it's all the way around my entire lower leg. It hurts. I think it's because I just started Insanity this week and it just isn't used to that kind of abuse...or something...I have no clue. We'll see what happens.


Speaking of Insanity, I really like the program so far. I do miss P90X, but it's nice to do something different. I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was, but I keep having to stop because my calf is spazzing out on me. It would be nice to see what my cardiorespiratory system can really do, but I guess I'll have to wait until my calf stops being a jerk. I really hope this program won't make my calves get any bigger because then I wouldn't be able to wear pants. I have a hard enough time trying to take my current jeans off as it is, so if they got any bigger I'd have some serious problems. I don't want a repeat of getting stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at Express again. That was humiliating, yet hilarious.


I'm thinking tomorrow I'm going to write a blog about the benefits of Pilates. Just because I love it so much!

Wost day ever

So, I know this is incredibly personal and really shouldn't be going on the internet, but, Chris asked me for a divorce today. I'm still in shock and I don't really know what I should be doing right now. I feel really unwanted and hurt. This sucks.

Inspiration overload!!!

I don't know if this has happened to anybody else, but, I was sitting and listening to music and then I realized that all of a sudden I was up and dancing around. All the songs I've been listening to have just been incredibly inspiring to me. Most of the time I don't have to really think about it to choreograph something, but this is nuts. I've got a lot of recital pieces started and I'm about halfway done with them. Yeah, I'm aware the recital isn't until June, but I've got an amazing head start this year. Here's some of the music I'm using this year (in case anybody can't wait for the recital):

"Diva" by Beyonce
"Boom Boom Pow" by Black Eyed Peas
"Ease On Down the Road" by Diana Ross and Michael Jackson
"Beat It" by Fall Out Boy
"London Bridge" by Fergie
"This Is Halloween" by Marilyn Manson
"Tore My Heart" by Oona (this one is the one that started this cascade of choreography)
"Night of the Dancing Flame" by Roisin Murphy
"Ramalama (Bang Bang)" by Roisin Murphy
"Ruby Blue" by Roisin Murphy

That's not all of them, or even close to being all of them, but those are the ones I have started. I'm really excited for how these are turning out so far. I'm really finding my choreography "voice" and it's awesome. Although I'm very well aware that it's pretty weird. "This Is Halloween" is probably going to be my weirdest piece yet to date and I'm pretty pumped about it. It might top the vampires from last year. I also have dancing zombies this year. I still have a lot of songs to pick out...I guess I should do some "pretty" routines this year. Sigh...

Trying to feel normal after ED

Although I've had a great day today, I'm in a very pensive and reflective mood. I don't have time to reflect very often and I know I need to make time, so this is my effort.

I overheard some of my students joke about purging. I wasn't upset about it, but I let them know it isn't funny to joke about mental illnesses. I was holding back tears on my car ride home because I was wondering if that is how people with eating disorders are viewed- as a big joke. I struggled for so long with several different EDs and I'm just now at a point in my life where I'm not having symptoms or really wanting to have any. I still have bad body image days, but I'll distract myself and try to forget about it although that's pretty much impossible.

I know people will joke about things they don't understand. Nobody could possibly know what I've been through or what I continue to go through on a daily basis unless they've been there. I try to explain it to the best of my ability, but I don't have the words. It's emotional, physical, and mental pain. It's feeling completely exhausted. It's feeling a hatred for yourself that you couldn't even imagine. I avoided mirrors and clothes shopping. I lost almost all of my friends because I didn't want to go out with them because I felt too fat and ugly to leave my house. They didn't understand and didn't try. I never felt so alone in my entire life. I was alone with my eating disorder. It became my only friend. I could count on it. It was always there for me. It comforted me.

I developed my first ED when I was about seven years old. I was teased in school day in and day out. I was the token fat kid in my dance classes. I used food as a security blanket. I would eat my feelings because it made me feel better. This continued to get worse over the years. Eighth grade was the worst for me. I was teased every day by the same group of kids and they would call me ugly and tell me I was too ugly to live. I would go home every day and cry and eat. I think the only reason I was never really heavy at this time was because of all the dancing I was doing. I'm pretty sure this is when my severe body dysmorphic disorder started. High school was more of the same thing, but once I graduated and was going to be going on to college and bigger and better things I thought that people might like me better if I was skinny. So, I stopped eating. I would go days at a time with no food. I just drank water and coffee. Then I'd eventually eat something like a plain baked potato or some celery and then start that cycle all over again. Toward the end of my first semester, I went six days without eating and I passed out. I woke up in the hospital. I was 82 pounds. All skin and bone. I'm still amazed I didn't die. Then my mom took me to a nutritionist and I ate and put some weight on. I was still having emotional issues, but at least I wasn't in danger of going into heart failure anymore. A few years later, I fell back into it. This time was different. This time I couldn't go as long without eating, so like 95% of other anorexics, I turned bulimic. I was dropping weight at a very fast rate again. I was eventually convinced to go into an eating disorder clinic and I really believe that they saved my life. I had found out I had given myself a heart condition (I would either pass out or almost pass out when I stood up), so I wasn't allowed to take the stairs, so I always had to take the elevator which was embarrassing. After I put weight on and got help and learned new ways to cope, I felt much better.

It's so hard to feel "normal" after all of this. I can't weigh myself, I can't count calories, I can't take measurements, and I can't measure out food portions so I'm just guessing. I feel like a freak because I can't really do a whole lot. I feel like I'm not the best fitness trainer because I can't do these things, so how am I supposed to relate to people who can? I know it's all relapse prevention, but it's so hard to feel normal. When I meet new people and they find out about my ED past, I feel judged and I get treated differently. I get treated like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I just happen to hate my body sometimes.


All I've ever wanted was to feel beautiful. I have never been able to feel this way about myself. I'm still trying to find out the secret to that. Because I feel so crappy about how I look on the outside, I try to make up for it on the inside by being the best person I can be every day. My favorite thing in the world is to make people laugh. I could settle on being known for inner beauty.


I know this is has been horribly depressing. I know it is for me. I have a couple of tears streaming down my face, but I feel like there's hope. One day I know I'll find my place and feel "normal", whatever that may be. Some days when I see a Victoria's Secret commercial I'll break down and cry because I will never look like that. Other days I'm satisfied knowing that if it came down to it, I could easily kick any of those skinny bitch's asses if I had to. I would love to feel empowered like that all the time. I'm working on it.