Happy New Year!

It's been a long time since I blogged, I know, but I'm pretty sure no one really reads this anyway, so I'm sure I really haven't been missed. Unless I'm wrong. If so, I apologize for my absence.

I'm just doing what probably everybody else is doing today. No, not trying to fish bare handed. That's later. I mean reflecting on 2010 and either they're excited for 2011 or are feeling uninspired because you'd think by now we'd have hover cars, so what's the point?

This year has been extremely crazy and my life has gone through so many changes. At this time last year I was getting ready to go to a party at my brother in-law's apartment. I had hope for 2010 being a sweet year because why wouldn't it be? I was married and life was pretty good. We had a scary holiday season that year because shortly before Thanksgiving Chris was let go from the waterpark and we were terrified we were going to lose the house. Thankfully, he found a job two weeks later and we were fine. Still shaken up, but fine. Anyway, we were looking forward to 2010 and knew it was going to be great. My birthday followed shortly after (as it usually does) and life continued (as it usually does). February rolled around and Chris asked me for a divorce. I felt blindsided and didn't know what to do. We decided to go into counseling and everything was gong to be fine. In April, I went to the Beachbody Coach Summit and my life changed. Not because of what was being said at the Summit, but because I was in LA and I fell in love with it. I went home, but not completely. As cheesy as it sounds, my heart was left in LA. Anyway, things at home weren't going well. Chris and I filed for divorce and it was finalized in July. In August I took a vacation to LA just to make sure moving here was what I really wanted, and it definitely was. I moved here on Sept. 7th. It was one of the best days of my life.

Tonight I'll be at Knott's Berry Farm on a date. I keep thinking to this time last year and I was at a party with my husband. Now I'll be ringing in the New Year with a different man in a different town on the opposite side of the country. I want to say I have mixed feelings about it, but I don't. I'm happy. Just happy.

2010 was a roller coaster of a year. I'm very grateful for it because I learned a lot and have grown so much as a person. I'm really looking forward to the changes that 2011 will bring. I'm sure it will be great!

Life Lesson

In light of me being a grown up in my last blog and sharing that wisdom with all of you, I thought I’d continue that trend. While this has nothing to do with fitness, dance, or creepy guys, it’ll be a nice change of pace.

I’ve gotten a lot of time to reflect on things lately. I’ve had a very trying year and I have a feeling that next year is going to rock, but I digress. It’s been a very emotional time in my life and I’m very thankful for it. I’ve learned a lot from it. My biggest lesson has been about acceptance. That’s what I’m writing about today. I’m not strictly talking about divorce, but accepting myself for who I really am, and accepting others for who they are. Being completely OK with whatever it is you’ve had to accept is probably the hardest part. You can accept that there isn’t any more plain non-fat yogurt in the fridge when you just bought some because your gay roommate that took you in while you were getting a divorce thought it was his so he ate all of it, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it. Bad example, but it happens…

Life changes. Everything changes and you can either go with the flow or try to fight it and exhaust yourself in the process. I thought my life was going to be one way, my ex decided it was going to be another. Believe me, I fought it. I didn’t know if I could live without him. I thought he was my world and my reason for getting up every day. I realized he wasn’t. I was the reason I got up every day. I was the source of my strength. No one else. Me. It isn’t easy to have to change your entire life’s plan in a short amount of time. I had to accept it. My life was changing and there was nothing I could really do about it. Sure I could’ve moped and been depressed, but that would do me absolutely no service, so I did the only thing I could do. I had to pick myself up and go on with my life. Nobody could do it for me. I had to rely on myself. I read a great quote the other day, and it rang so true that it shook me to the core: “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” It’s so true. A few months ago I didn’t think I was going to be able to move on. Not because I didn’t want to be alone, but because of fear. I was terrified of starting over again. It would’ve been so much easier if I stayed with him and been unhappy. It was comfortable. It was what I had known for four years. If I wasn’t a strong person I wouldn’t be where I am now. I feel more empowered and happy than I ever have in my entire life. Feeling empowered and happy in California doesn’t hurt either! When you accept change, you can do anything. No one can take that strength from you and that is an empowering feeling.

I don’t hide my history of eating disorders. I also don’t hide my crippling body dysmorphic disorder or low self esteem. I have never found myself to be an attractive person. I would also wait for others to tell me I was pretty or that I looked nice (don’t get me wrong, it’s still really nice to hear!), but I realized I had to tell myself those things. I was afraid it would make me vain to say it, but it doesn’t. It means I’m trying to get a healthy mind frame going. I’d rather appear a little vain than not be able to leave my apartment for three days because I didn’t want people to see me because I felt “too fat” or “too ugly” to be out in public. I’ve accepted my body for what it is. I may not be 100% happy with it, but I’ve made a lot of progress. There are things that I would change if I could and I still don’t see myself for what I probably actually look like, but I’m working on it. It’ll always be a work in progress. One day I hope I see myself how everybody else does. That would be nice. Back to the accepting, I’ve always been a fan of my personality. There are flaws, but even then I think they’re pretty kick ass flaws. Not everybody is a fan of it, but I really don’t care anymore. I’ve never really cared what people thought about me, but now I’ve moved on to a whole other level from “I don’t care” to “I don’t give a shit. What are you gonna do about it?” I like my quirky personality and I’m not wasting my time with people that don’t. I’m me and if you don’t like it, suck it. I’m in a very good place mentally with my body image and with who I really am, and it’s one of the best feelings ever.

Accepting other people for who they are is probably the hardest thing to do. We all have those people in our lives that we wish would realize that they’re either a douchebag and fix it, naïve, cocky, mopey, too cheerful, whatever, but they are who they are. Just like you have to accept your own flaws, you have to accept other’s. Even if someone has done something absolutely horrendous to you, it’s who they are and there is nothing you can do to change it. Instead of being angry, try forgiving them instead. It’s much more healthy to be graceful than an angry bitter person. Accept it and let it go. Catch and release. Or as the wise Jay-Z once said “Get that dirt off your shoulder.” I’ve had to accept that I thought people who were my friends, actually aren’t. They’ve chosen to side with my ex, and as painful as it is I’ve had to let them go. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t happened overnight and it didn’t happen without a lot of tears and frustration, but I’m not putting up with being hurt anymore. I’m choosing all of my new friends in my new life very carefully. So far, I’ve found some amazing people and I am thankful for them every day. They have no idea how much they mean to me, and I wouldn’t even know how to begin to express it. Life is so much better when you have positive people around you!

I really hope someone can take something from this. Even if it’s only a little tidbit of information, I really hope this helps.

Taking A Break

For those of you who don't know every detail of my life (what's your problem? Get with the times!), I've had a hip injury for over a year. I have iliopsoas tendonitis in my right hip and it just won't heal. Granted, I haven't really been doing myself any favors because when I was teaching six hours a day I had to be in turnout, which is the cause of the overuse injury to begin with. Then in the morning I would either be doing P90X or Insanity. Now that I’m not in turnout six hours a day I’ve decided to try to heal this hip injury. I’m now only working out on days where I haven’t had any hip pain for 24 hours. It’s been really tough because I feel like a worthless blob, but I know fitness will be there when/if this injury ever heals itself. Call it maturity, common sense, laziness, whatever, I’m trying to be smart about this injury. Why over a year later? I guess I’m tired of being in pain almost all the time. I also would like to continue to dance and don’t want my career to be over at the age of 26 because I was being stupid.

I’m asking you, my friends, to hold me to this and if you catch me doing something when I say my hip hurts, bring the hammer down. I may kick and scream, but, remind me that I’m trying to be a grown up and be smart about this injury.

For anyone else who has a chronic injury, I urge you all to do the same. I know it’s more macho or whatever to work through the pain and you don’t want to stop working out, but your body will thank you if you listen to it and let it heal before you continue to barrage it with Insanity or something else that it really doesn’t feel like handling at the moment. The workouts will be there once you’ve healed.

I feel like a grown up now! Gross……

Now I'm going to be off because The Coffee Bean is being taken over my teenagers. Damn kids with your rock and roll music, Zimas, hula hoops, and Pacman....Get outta my yard! I guess I am old....

The Wall

I'm having an atrocious day, so I thought I'd cheer myself up by sharing what is probably my favorite, and most disturbing, Snap Fitness story.

It was my first Saturday, and I had already taught my cardio class and I was fairly tired. I didn't get a chance to have any coffee, so I was running a little slower than normal. I started my shift as usual, plugging in the phone, starting the laundry, and gathering cleaning supplies so I could tackle the bathrooms. I clean the first two bathrooms without anything unusual happening. Could anything really out of the ordinary happen when you're cleaning a bathroom? I didn't think so. At first...Then I made my way into the third bathroom and everything was going fine until I pulled back the shower curtain and saw some weird substance on the wall. I get a little closer to inspect it and...yep....just as I had suspected....semen. Awesome...Now I'm fully awake. What happened next is kind of a blur because I was so grossed out. I may have gagged and/or dry heaved, I'm not sure. By the time I got my wits about me I instinctively ran to the phone to call my boss. This was the exchange:

Boss: Hi Laura. How are you?
Me: (still in shock) Not so good.
Boss: Why not?
Me: (hesitating) Well....I found some....stuff......on the wall of the shower.
Boss: What kind of stuff?
Me: Man.....stuff......
Boss: Man stuff?
Me: Semen. OK? Semen....
Boss: How did it get there?
Me: I think we both know how it got there.
Boss: Did you see who did it?
Me: No?
Boss: I was hoping you knew so I could terminate their membership.
Me: No clue. Yeah, by the way, I'm not cleaning that up.
Boss: Well you can't just leave it on the wall.
Me: I don't get paid enough. No way. Have Jason or Matt do it when they come in...There's no way.
Boss: It can't be left there.
Me: But......it's......nasty.
Boss: I understand, but it needs to get cleaned up.
Me: (begrudgingly) Fine...

I put on two more pairs of gloves and went into the bathroom. I was gagging the entire time I was cleaning and I was thinking to myself "Who the HELL does this????" What you do in the shower is not my business, but when you leave the evidence behind, it becomes my business and that doesn't make me happy.

In conclusion, men, if you decide you can't wait until you get home for whatever reason, please don't leave it on the wall. Women will thank you.


Fin.

Well, hello, internet!

Don't get too excited. I'm sitting at The Coffee Bean and decided I'd update my blog because I apparently have nothing else to do. I really don't, so this seemed like a good way to pass the time.

So, I live in Cali now! That's pretty much the only news I have. It's pretty awesome! I have a sweet apartment and I can see the beach from my room. It's pretty much the most kick ass thing ever, well, besides David Hasselhoff's piano scarf that he wore when the Berlin wall came down. THAT was kick ass.

Even more exciting is that I've got the stand up bug again hardcore. For those of you who have me on Facebook, you've probably noticed because I don't really say anything about me anymore, it's all a bunch of silly jokes. I'm revamping my old act to make it current (i.e. divorced and not in Michigan), and I'm going to try to find somewhere to perform it. I'm pretty excited about it because it's been a few months since I last did my act and I miss it. I've got some great bits that I'm in the process of working out and they should be pretty funny. They are to me anyway. I'll keep everybody updated and if you've all been good, I may have someone record it and I'll post it on here.

Craziest. Week. Ever.

I'll depart from my Snap Fitness stories for today. It's been a really weird week and I need to process it. What better place to do that than on the internet? Right?


For those of you who don't know, I'm going to be moving to Hermosa Beach, CA. I'm leaving on Thursday so I've got a ton of last minute packing/getting my shit together/saying goodbyes to do, so things have been a little on the hectic side. I'll start from last Thursday, so I can include a reference to "The Ring" about "Seven days...."


Thursday, ("Seven days") was my last crazy ass 7 hour shift at Snap/going up to 1 On 1 in between staffed hours at Snap. (See how I snuck the reference in there? Clever! I'm awesome!) It was supposed to be my last time with my autistic client and I really didn't want to have to tell him it was the last time. I knew he was going to be upset. We've really bonded over the last couple of months. Anyway, I get my Snap business done and at 2 I left to go up to 1 On 1. I tell my client it's our last session and he immediately begins to cry and begs me to stay. I start to cry and was a hot mess all the way back to Snap where I had to try to hold it together until 7 when my shift was over. It was a very upsetting day, but I was very excited that I only had "Seven days" until I moved. (See? Another one!)


Friday was another day where I was a hot mess. I worked until 2 and went up to the dance studio where it was my last day there. I performed two pieces and I had a really hard time getting through one of them just because of the emotion of the song, paired with the fact that it was the last time I was going to be dancing for my girls. When it was time for me to leave there were a lot of tears. I pretty much cried the entire way home (which is roughly an hour). My friends who weren't going to be able to make my party on Saturday took me out for a night of drinking and karaoke. For those of you who know me, I am not the best singer in the world. I've heard worse, but, I'm not great by any means. They were having a contest that night and I wanted to enter because I could and it would be fun. Mind you, I was out with other theatre people and one of them gives voice lessons for a living and we all thought she had this in the bag. Wrong!! Once we found out the winner was going to be chosen by applause and not by talent, I thought I had a chance because I know how to work a room. I chose "Bohemian Rhapsody" because what other song gets people going than that one? Yeah...I know...So, I go up there and did my thing. I mean I sang the guitar solos and everything. I got the whole place involved and it was epic. My friend who does the voice lessons sang something from Martina McBride. She did a phenomenal job because she's a phenomenal singer, but, I won anyway. I did get a gift card to the bar, but, since I'm moving I'm not going to use it, I gave it to one of my closest friends. I did, however, take away some major bragging rights!! It was pretty sweet.

Saturday was my last day at Snap and my going away party. It was really bittersweet being at work. I was happy to be done, but sad to be leaving at the same time. I really do like that place. The people there are awesome and I got paid to really do nothing. It was one of the best jobs I've ever had. Later on that evening I had my party. I was expecting about 16 people. Only 8 showed up, which is fine. The 8 that did show up are fun people. I have never been that tanked in my entire life. From what I remember, it was a great time!


Sunday was a family day. My mom, Nick, and I went up to my grandparent's cottage and just hung out. We went swimming and relaxed. A lot of my other family members knew we were going to be up there, so a lot of them showed up to see me before I left. It was a really nice surprise and I was so happy I got to see so many people I love! It was a good day.


Today was probably the hardest out of them all. This morning I had to deal with a ton of nonsense because I had to get stuff out of my ex-husband's house, but I won't get into it because, again, I'm minding my karma because of this massive road trip I have ahead of me. Mama doesn't need any bad juju right now. Since I'm a pushover, I wound up scheduling one last session with my autistic client. That was really difficult. He kept saying he wished he would've brought something to me so I could remember him. I told him I'll always remember him. I didn't need anything. I then promised to send him postcards. I cried again as I was leaving. I also went by the theatre so I could say goodbye to everybody over there. This was probably the hardest thing I've had to do so far. I've known most of these people since I was little. A couple of them were my dance teachers from the time I started dancing at 4 until I graduated high school. One of them I've been dancing with forever and shared dance teacher frustrations with and we've been close for so long. I'm really going to miss them. Facebook makes it easy for me to stay in touch with them, but it isn't the same as seeing them face to face.

Tonight is my last night at this apartment with Nick. He's done so much for me in the last few months that I couldn't possibly even think of how to begin to thank him. Throughout my divorce he was there to listen when I needed to vent, kicked me in the ass when I needed it, and has helped me pick myself up and dust myself off. He's been a major support system for me. He didn't have to let me come and stay with him. For this, I'll always be grateful and love him very dearly. I can't wait for him to move out with me so I can return the favor. He's one of the very few people I know that will always be there for me no matter what and that is something to definitely smile about!


Tomorrow will be even crazier with packing my car, closing out my bank account, saying even more last minute goodbyes, and spending time with my family. It's going to be a very emotional day for me, so I have no idea what's going to happen!


This will probably be my last blog until I get out there and get the internet, so, enjoy!

Imperium Sine Fine

Ladies and gentleman, I feel very saddened but honored that I have been asked (by nobody in particular) to give this eulogy. I think this is the way it would have wanted it. Star Wars Guy Richard Simmon's Afro, you were a good fro. You shaded Star Wars Guy's scalp when it was sunny. You held in heat to warm him in the winter. You did everything a good afro could do. You will be missed. I will miss the way you were thinning in the back, but you still held strong. I will miss how you managed to be so curly, yet look so masculine. You were the best fro that has ever stepped foot in the gym. Rest in peace, soft and downy Richard Simmons afro. You are in a better place now.

Some inspiration

"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." — Marilyn Monroe

As Promised

Here is the blog that I had promised to write about. My day on Saturday was...interesting, to say the least. It involves ex-felons, other dudes, and public urination. Intrigued? Keep reading.


It started out to be a completely normal day. I got up, ate, put my make up on and went to teach my cardio class before my shift starts. Only one person showed up to my class. She wanted a quick ab workout and then she was going to run. So, I give her what she wants and I decide to go to my mom's house because she lives a minute away and I had 40 minutes until my shift started. I didn't feel like sitting around doing nothing. I go there, get some coffee, and my mom tells me she's coming in today to reactivate her account. Fine. Make me have to work...I go back to work and get everything going. Luckily the dryer was fixed so I didn't have to go back to the laundrymat and run into the possibility of seeing Toothless Joe. Eventually, my mom comes in and I get her account reactivated and she heads on over to an elliptical. Then they came in...Two guys walk in and one of them says the other guy wants to work out so he needs to sign a guest waiver. The guy who is already a member will be known as Sideways Hat, and his friend who was trying really, really hard to be "gangsta" shall be known as Skinny Dude. I get out the paperwork for Skinny Dude and I thought I'd make polite conversation and say "I like your tattoos." Harmless, right? He then looks at mine and says "I really like this one" and proceeds to stroke my Marilyn portrait. Did I say you could touch me? No...Then he says "I really like that kind of style. Kind of like a Suicide Girl. Are you a Suicide Girl?" I responded with "No. I work around children, so, that wouldn't be good." Then he touched my tattoo again and said something and then called me "sweetie" and walked away. I don't know what is going on exactly, but I've had many people coming up to me and randomly touching my tattoos. I think there's something in the water...(Keep in mind my mom is on an elliptical this whole time.) I'm going about my business while these two guys are working out. After a few minutes Sideways Hat approaches me and asks me how I got my job. I explained that I'm a personal trainer. He looks at the corkboard with my picture and the two other trainers on there and he asked me if I was either married to the owner or to one of the trainers. What a weird question, I thought. Finally my mom comes over to the desk and sits there and talks to me as I began to fold towels. Sideways Hat is trying to get something out of the vending machine and he says it ate some change, so I get the key and open it to see what the problem is. I fix said problem and I turned to give him some change and he says "Damn, you look good in them black pants." All I could say was "Thank you?" and I walked back to the desk to continue folding. My mom is laughing because she heard this and says "It's your fault for wearing those." Thanks, mom. After she had left I was still folding and I could hear those two guys talking to one of the other members asking him how they can get muscles like him. He asked them how much they currently weigh, so they walked over to the scale and they both weighed themselves. Then I heard "I've lost 4 lbs since I got out." come out of Skinny Dude's mouth. That really can only mean one thing, but I don't judge. Whatever. Then Jeff (the member who they were getting advice from) had heard that as well and asked what he was in for and he said "Criminal sexual misconduct" like it was nothing. "Oh, good" I thought. Then, both of them came up to me and this was basically the exchange:

Sideways Hat: "I bet you get all the guys coming up to you and telling you you look so good in them black pants."
Me: "No."
Skinny Dude: "Do you work here all the time?"
Me: "Only on the days that I'm scheduled, so, no."
Sideways Hat: "Can we come back later?"
Me: "Um...We're open 24/7, so, yes."
Skinny Dude: "Can we come in while you're working?"
Me: "I can't tell you what to do."

Then they left. I felt the need to either bathe or never go back to work. Ever. The rest of the day, I kept getting hit on by random men that I see in there all the time. Then I remembered that we were going to be having a full moon soon, so I figured that's what it had to be and left it at that. I also decided after that day that I'm going to find the baggiest pair of sweatpants and just wear those all the time. I've officially sworn off yoga pants.


Later on that night, I had to go to my mom's office to print out an application to an apartment complex because the one that I had fell through. There was a jazz festival in the downtown area, so there were a ton of people around. While my mom and I were walking to my car, I go to the driver's side and there's a young girl there, squatting, and urinating. She looks at me and starts laughing. First of all, I don't want you to look at me while you're squatting by my car. I sigh heavily and say "You know there was probably a bathroom in the bar, right?" I was really stressed out and frustrated, so I admit I was being rude when I shouldn't have been. She continues to laugh. She was squatting there for quite a while. My mom and I were looking at each other like "Ummmm....gross." If you've ever seen "Austin Powers", that's the kind of length of time I'm talking about here. This chick took forever!!! I finally decided to just climb into the driver's seat from the passenger side because I wasn't about to walk through this girl's ever increasing pool of urine.


So, that was my day, how was yours?

Throwing Glitter In The Air

I've been tossing a couple of ideas back and forth about what today's blog should be about. My day yesterday was interesting and would make for a very funny entry, but, I'm not feeling very funny today, so I thought about posting my thoughts, and that seemed to be the most appealing to me. I'll post a funny blog later. I promise.


I've been listening to a song called "Glitter In The Air" by Pink over and over today. Half because I have to because I'm not happy with my choreography to it, and then because this song touches me like very few songs have. I don't know if it's because of my dance background, and I know this is going to sound incredibly cheesy, but I feel music. The movement of the song, the lyrics, the melody, everything. It's perfect. It describes my feelings about my life right now in a way that I can't express verbally, and again, it's not just the lyrics, but the song as a whole. I think this is why I'm having a hard time choreographing it. I've got some complex things going on, and it's hard to express those and the way I express myself is with dance. It's like being tongue tied physically. I just don't know what I want to say. I'm feeling very conflicted with a few things right now, and that's coming across in my choreography. I know I just need to stop trying so hard and it'll come more naturally. I wish I had access to the beach. That seemed to work last time.

This song makes me feel hopeful. Right now, I'm at a major turning point in my life and I know which way I have to go. I know which turn I have to take and I'm looking forward to it. I know things will be much better and as afraid as I am, I'll be OK. I'm taking steps to better my life because only I can do that and it's very empowering. I'm in control and I don't have anybody holding me back or trying to take it from me.

I'm even having a hard time trying to find the words to describe how this song makes me feel. I can only dance these emotions.


Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight

Brother, can you spare a tooth?

Yesterday the dryer at the gym decided it didn't want to work anymore. I dreaded the phone call to my boss because he'd probably think it was my fault. He's under the impression I'm stupid. Whatever. Anyway, I call him and he tells me to go down to the laundrymat that's in the same complex. I sighed and put all the wet towels in a garbage bag and headed outside where it's hotter than a crotch. I've never stepped foot in one of these places before so I'm overwhelmed by the people, sights, and smells of this place. I'm pretty sure they've never swept the floor since the place opened. The people were....interesting (I don't want to say anything mean. I'm trying to keep a very good eye on my karma right now, so I'm going to put a Karma Cap on this whole blog). It also smelled like something died and nobody bothered to find out what or who it was. If anybody has any missing relatives, I'd check there...I go about my business and dry the towels and head back into work, praying to anything holy that I wouldn't have to return the next day.

But I did. Today was different. I was there during the day, so it was an entirely different set of people. There was a young couple, a few shady looking old people, and someone I nicknamed Toothless Joe. He basically looked like a bowling ball on toothpicks, at least from the neck down. He was wearing black jeans, a black tshirt that probably hadn't been washed since 1986, suspenders that looked like rulers (I'm not making this up), and a baseball cap. He was making his rounds and talking to all of the people in there. I kept thinking "Please don't talk to me....Please don't talk to me.....PLEASE DON'T TALK TO ME!!!!" The cries getting more and more desperate the closer he got to my vicinity. The closer he got I also got a better look at him. He only had one tooth. I couldn't tell if it was on the bottom or top jaw because this seriously was one big ass tooth. "Good for that tooth. It's a trooper," I thought, hoping he wasn't going to get any closer. Then it came, I made the mistake of looking up and we made eye contact. Crap...He smiled, I still can't tell where the hell that tooth is rooted, and he said "How do you know it's time to do your laundry?" I was taken aback by his comment and I said "What?" I wasn't sure if it was a rhetorical question or if he was seriously asking me. He repeated himself and then said "If you throw 'em against a wall, they'll stick." I smiled politely and was pretty sure that it wasn't meant to be a joke, but advice. He then continued to tell me some weird racist jokes which I wasn't listening to because I was getting creeped out and was desperately looking for an employee or something, but, to no avail. Apparently nobody works there...Anyway, for his finale he said "How is a BBQed chicken and a suntan the same?" I said "How?" He replied "The white parts are the best." Then he walked away and I felt the need to bathe. Still do, in fact. He then proceeded to the young couple and started to tell them jokes. They retorted with horrible racist jokes of their own. Then the timer went off on the dryer and I had no idea I could stuff towels into a bag that fast. I walked out of there, smiling, because I knew I'd never have to go back and see Toothless Joe.

Another Man's Treasure

Working at a gym has some definite advantages. You get to be around like minded people, you're educating everybody who's willing to listen to your random fitness and nutrition tirades, you get to work out for free, and you get to meet some of the weirdest people to ever walk the planet, which always makes for a good time.


My favorite person that has ever waltzed into my life was, oh, let's call him, Rico Suave, you know, to protect his identity or something...Anyway, Rico Suave came into the gym and signed up while I was working. He was a tall man. A tan man. He had a gentle way about him. And then he opened his mouth. He has the composure of George Castanza and the suaveness of David Schwimmer. I was pretty positive he was hammered. He asked me about what the black book by the desk was and I explained it's to sign up for a free orientation where he will be whisked away on a tour of the gym and a free fitness assessment, and by "assessment" we mean "we'll take some measurements." He was uncomfortable about having a dude measure him, so, he signed up for at 10 am for me the very next day. Thank you for choosing me. As he was leaving and I handed him his key card he said "Thanks, babe." I stopped for a second and it hit me he called me "babe." Well, all I did was sign you up at a gym, tiger. Calm down.


The very next day, promptly at 10:00, Rico Suave showed up. It was probably the first time he'd ever shown up for anything on time besides Happy Hour at a bar where everybody is dressed like hooker pirates. He sat down and we began his orientation. He's answering questions as manly as he can by bragging about how much he can bench and all I'm thinking about is "I wonder what happened to Pauly Shore. I'm glad he's not making movies anymore, but, what is he doing now?" Then we get to the part where I have to take measurements. I had been dreading this all morning. It was probably the first time a girl had ever touched him besides one of the hooker pirate waitresses slapping him. So, I proceeded with taking an arm measurement. No weird comment. Hmmm, I thought, maybe this isn't going to be weird. Chest measurement. Nothing. Waist. Still nothing. Hip. Silence. Thigh. Of course...I'm bending down and there he is....at half mast....in my face. He was saying something about how he hates something and I muttered "Kind of like unwanted boners in your face" under my breath. He heard me muttering and I quickly replied with "What?" acting like I hadn't said anything and I was merely talking to myself. After I showed him around the gym I hoped I'd never see him again. I was wrong. Things were about to get worse.

The next day, he comes back to work out. Awesome. He leaves me alone all morning and he was about to leave and he approached me. I was sitting at the desk, folding towels and minding my own business when he, as suave as he could, sauntered over and gave me a smoldering look and said "Hey, I heard you just got divorced. You know what they say, one man's trash...." All I could get out of my mouth was "Um...What?" Why leave it there? Why not finish the statement? Did he just call me trash? It was one of the very few times in my life that I was completely speechless and everybody within ear shot was also speechless. He sensed this and awkwardly left. It took me a few moments to realize what the hell just happened. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or sit in the shower in the fetal position. Either way, I haven't seen Rico Suave since. I'm afraid I broke the poor bastard's heart. C'est la vie.

My life

I'm not sure if anybody even reads this, but, I haven't blogged in a while, so, I figured I'd write a little something. It helps me to get my crazy thoughts out, so, at least it might be amusing anyway...I haven't even really organized any thoughts, so, we'll see where this goes!

My divorce was finalized on the 21st. I am now a free woman and can do whatever I want (well, within legal limits). It's a liberating feeling, but at the same time it's overwhelming because I have to completely adapt to being single and doing things for myself instead of for a husband. I have my moments where I'm not OK with it, but it needed to happen and I know I'll be better off in the long run.

My mind is going in two different directions all the time and it's getting a little dizzying. On one hand my confidence is through the roof because I've been getting hit on non-stop for the last week, yet I feel completely undesirable because the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with doesn't want me at all. I feel like I'm finally headed in the right direction in my life, but I feel completely lost at the same time. I feel completely over the fact that I'm divorced because life has to go on, but I still feel a little broken. I'll never be the same person I used to be. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying it's almost a grieving process I'm going through to say goodbye to that former self. I'm coming out of this a more wise person, so I suppose I should be thankful for that. I know exactly what I'm willing to put up with and things I'm willing to let slide. I know for a fact that I will never put up with emotional abuse ever again. I didn't see it at the time, but, I know what to look out for and it's never happening again.


It's my turn to be selfish and put myself first for a change. I have a clean slate and I'm taking full advantage of it. I have a chance to be exactly who I am and everybody can either love it or hate it, I really don't care. I'm not saying "It's all about me now *sassy finger snap*", but, I'm going to continue to do what I do and not care about what people think. I'm going to continue to choreograph pieces that people consider "odd", but that's my dance language. It's different, get over it. I'm going to do my stand-up and if you don't think it's funny, suck my balls. Don't care. I'm going to do burlesque and no one finds me sexy, I'm still doing it. I'm doing things for myself and not giving two shits.


I've completely surrounded myself with positive people. I've had the best support system and I couldn't thank them enough. They know who they are, so, thank you. I love you all and I really don't know if I could have gotten through this without any of you. You've lent me shoulders to cry on, willing ears to listen to me ramble and rant, open arms when all I needed was a hug, and helpful hands to help me up and get back on my feet. I don't have the words to to begin to express my gratitude. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. (Yeah, I'm fully aware how cheesy that is, so, suck it.)


This whole divorce thing has been the craziest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on and I hope I never have to ride it again. I've laughed hysterically, cried hysterically, felt lonely, loved, angry, content, peaceful, depressed, and pretty much every emotion you could even think of. It's the hardest thing I think I'll ever have to deal with. I'm glad the actual divorce part is done, so now my healing can take place and I can get on with my life.

Make up your minds already!

I just need to vent some frustrations, so, don't mind me.

Ever since I started to go through my divorce, I've had a few friends and family members (don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for them) who are turning into Hawk-Eyed Food Nazis with me. Every day I get asked by several people "You're still eating, aren't you?" or "You didn't purge today did you?" Believe me, I'll let you know if it happens. I'm trying to keep myself accountable. On the other hand, I have friends and family members who watch me eat and say "That's a lot of food." Well, make up your minds. Either I'm not eating or eating too much. I work out a lot and am very active all day, so, I need the calories. I'm also trying to get over a plateau right now, so, I'm upping my calories. Yeah, I've noticed that I'm really bloated, but, that's because I have IBS and I'm stressed, so, I'm gonna look pregnant by the middle of the day. Saying something like "Last time I saw you, you had a six pack, and now you're looking bloated." Thank you. I'm fully aware that I don't look all that great right now. "You know you need to eating certain percentages of fats, proteins, and carbs, so, why don't you do that? You'd probably look better." Well, because I can't count calories. I can only ballpark it. If I do count, I'll get obsessive and probably get overwhelmed and stop eating. So, you choose: either I eat and get horribly bloated, or, I don't eat for several days, binge, and then purge. It's up to you. If you want me to eat, stop the insensitive comments, please. I'm having a hard enough time as it is. It would be extremely refreshing to hear someone say "Wow. You look good today." Why can't someone just do that and leave me the hell alone? Even if you don't even mean it, it would still be nice to hear.

I'm fully aware of how fucked up this makes me sound...

The Ex-Files

Yeah, the title isn't particularly clever, but, whatever.

I'm in a really reflective mood tonight, but I'm also in the mood to share it. Normally when I get in these types of moods I'll shut down and not want to talk to anybody. I always retreat into my little fantasy world where I listen to music and choreograph it in my head. I mean there's costumes and everything...It's just what I do. Weird? Probably...

Anyway, my divorce is going to be finalized in less than a month and I've been thinking a lot about my entire relationship. I realized that while most of it wasn't my fault, I still know where I fucked up. I know it sounds crazy, but I think I loved him too much. It was scary. I was willing to sacrifice myself and my personality for his happiness. I put him first. He was my life. I did everything for him. Because of that, he took me completely for granted and it made me feel like shit, so I'd do even more for him and the cycle would continue. All I wanted to hear from him was that I was enough just as I was. I wanted to hear that I didn't have to pretend to not be loud and obnoxious around people. I wanted him to tell me that he appreciated my quirks, idiosyncrasies, faults, everything, and it was OK because it was who I am. Telling me I laugh too loud, make weird jokes at anybody willing to listen to me, dance around wherever I am, and just having the best time I possibly can is embarrassing to him still is a blow to my self esteem. I know my personality can be a lot to handle sometimes, I'll be the first person to admit that, but, why wasn't it OK? Why was I wrong for being myself? I questioned all of this so many sleepless nights, but it hit me a couple of weeks ago: It is enough, just not for him. I'm enough for myself, and that's all that matters. I have friends who appreciate me for my personality and I know there's somebody out there who will want to be with me for exactly who I am, flaws and all.

If anything, I use this as a learning experience. I know exactly who I am, what I want, and I know not to settle for anything. I've learned I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. I've always been extremely independent, but I know that I have even more inner strength than I knew I was even capable of. Really, it all boiled down to this: I had two choices. I could either let this completely destroy me, or, I learn and move on. Guess which one I've chosen? I've gone the route of letting something completely destroy me and I'm never doing that again because it caused me to be 82 lbs, have jacked up teeth, and a heart problem. I'm not going through that again. I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and healing. There has been a few nights where I sobbed because I never thought the hurting would stop. I couldn't imagine being able to feel whole again after this kind of betrayal. You know what? I'm over the worst part. Every once in a while a thought will creep into my head about it, but, I quickly tell myself it isn't worth it and I think about how he didn't deserve such a kick ass person. For the first time in a very long time, I really do feel like I kick ass. I haven't felt this good about myself since...I can't even remember...What does that tell you? I'm pretty much completely at peace with this and with myself. Sure, almost every day he'll do something to piss me off and at the time I'll let it, but then eventually I let it go and remind myself that he's trying to piss me off and I'm not giving him that satisfaction.

As soon as I'm done typing this I'm going to start choreographing, but stuff I actually have to choreograph, not my "escaping into my happy place" choreographing. I only have two classes this summer and these will be my last ones at this studio. I've chosen to go out on a different note. I'm doing straight up, classical ballet pieces. I've found two songs that perfectly describe how I feel right now. I don't normally do "pretty", I do "quirky", so it'll be different and completely unexpected, which, goes perfectly with my quirkiness. If anybody is interested in knowing exactly what is going on in my head about my divorce and my feelings about it, check out "Glitter In The Air" by Pink and "Little Red" by Kate Nash.

An update.

I know I haven't written much lately, but I've had some crazy stuff going on, so, that's my excuse!

Since my last blog, I have moved out of my house and into an apartment with one of my closest friends. It's been a bit of an adjustment, but every day I'm getting more and more comfortable and it's starting to feel like home. He isn't charging me rent because he knows I'm planning on leaving Michigan after my divorce is finalized. I just have to pay for food and I'm all set. It's very nice of him to do that for me and I'm so lucky to have such a good friend. It's nice to not have to walk on eggshells all the time like I had to before. I can be myself and it's the most liberating feeling. I had to sacrifice so much of my personality to be with my husband, and I'm not going to let that happen again. If I ever find somebody (well, I should say if somebody is willing to put up with my craziness), he'll have to love me for me and that's it. If he can't, byeeee.

I had a very bittersweet weekend. Friday was the first recital for the kids 8 and younger. My little ones did a great job and I was so proud of them! Saturday, after working for 6 hours at the gym, I had to go to the other recital for the older students. They all did amazing! I absolutely love watching my choreography take shape on stage. It makes me feel like I'm doing something good. I was really proud of all of my pieces this year and of my students who are excited about my choreography. After the recital at the little after party we have every year, I broke the news to everyone that I wasn't going to be there next year. That news did not go over well at all. The students who weren't furious at me were crying. Then the furious ones started crying and then we all were crying. It was kind of a mess. It was so nice to feel so loved. I haven't felt that way in a very long time, but, after that night I felt like people needed me. Like they wanted me around. Most of them were trying to convince me not to go and bargaining with me that if I stayed they'd all "try to get better" at ballet. It broke my heart because that wasn't the issue at all. I have very talented students! I need to move on. After this divorce, there is nothing left for me here in Michigan. It's time to move on and I know they all understand that now, but it hurt at the time. I'm fortunate that at my age I know what I want to do with my life. Actually, scratch that, I know what I NEED to be doing with my life. I feel like my purpose in life is to teach dance technique and to pass on my love and passion for dance to others. I've done that here. My job is done. I will miss every single one of my kids. They have taught me so much about being a better dance teacher and a better person. I'll never forget them.

On another note, I've found another way of making a little extra money on the side. It's not much, but, I finally started charging people for Tarot readings and automatic writings. I was starting to feel taken advantage of, so now I can at least feel that way, but with a few extra dollars in my pocket. I'll still do some for free, but, not very many people get that privilege!

I've been feeling much more peaceful lately. I'm completely at peace with my current situation and am going to welcome the next chapter of my life with open arms. I'll never have all the answers that I want, but that's OK. I don't need to know. All I know is that it didn't work out, so all I can do is move on and finally be happy. It's an amazing feeling!

So, that's about it!

Sigh...

I just found out that a year ago I was fooled by my students and I used a Miley Cyrus song for their recital. This is what happens when they just bring in a song to me...Sneaky students...And then dumb teacher for not realizing this until a year later...I never claimed to be smart.


I am aware that I'm using one this year because I like the song. I'm also currently jamming to it. Damn you, Miley Cyrus for having catchy songs.

P90X For Dancers

Everybody knows I'm a huge advocate of P90X. It's a very well rounded program and it can be an extremely beneficial tool for dancers who are looking to increase their fitness level. I modified the program to suit my needs as a dancer because I wasn't sure how my body was going to respond or what was included in the program.

I started P90X in August of last year after seeing the infomercial and hearing about it from friends. All of my dancer friends wanted to try the program, but we were all afraid of getting bulky and how that would affect flexibility. I was still under the impression that bulk would limit mobility since that is what every single dance teacher I've ever had told me. It isn't true. I decided to be the guinea pig of the group and I ordered the program and have had amazing results from it. I'm still just as flexible, if not even a little bit more, but I'm much stronger and that has helped me with my dancing.

I didn't do the pull ups since I was afraid that it would limit shoulder mobility. I'm still not sure if this would happen, but the next round I do I'm going to try them and see what happens. Other than that I kept the program exactly the same. I always tell my students to cross train with either yoga or Pilates, so Yoga X was perfect for me. It helps build stabilizer muscles and that definitely helps with barre work (if you're a ballet dancer). Pilates does the same thing, but, it was much more convenient with yoga built right into the program.

I also substituted X-Stretch with my own stretching regimen. It's a great DVD for the average person, but I was taking a nap the whole time, and I think most dancers would probably feel the same way.

The cardio workouts are great to obviously build stamina. As dancers, we only really need the stamina for short bursts at a time while either moving across the floor or during a performance. Nobody needs to see a huffing and puffing cygnet in "Swan Lake", so the cardio workouts make class, and life, a lot easier.


Let's face it, dancers are changing. Dance is changing. We're able to do more now than we ever have before because of advances in pointe shoes, or even technique in general. We have to be strong and not waif-like. Most professional dancers now are getting to be very bulky to keep up with the demands of the choreographers. Try out the program, and if you aren't jumping higher after doing Plyometrics, either you were some kind of Superman before, or you're doing something wrong, because I'm jumping even higher than some men that I know. I'm not getting winded at all (far from it). I'm stronger and more confident and that, in turn, makes my dancing that much better.

Just My Two Cents

So, I'm sitting here at the dance studio and no one has shown up for my 6:00 class, so I have an hour to kill. It's fine, girls. We don't have recitals in three weeks or anything...With my hour to kill I've decided to write this blog because I've had a lot of people asking me about my stance on this issue, so, here it is:

There's a video that's been going around of 7 year olds dancing very provocatively at a dance competition. They're very scantily clad and most of the moves look like they came out of Carmen Electra's Strip Aerobics videos. I'm not going to post the video, but you can easily look it up for yourself. I'm not posting it because I think it's disgusting. Girls that age SHOULD NOT be dressed like that or dancing like that.

I've gotten into several debates with other dance teachers about this video and it seems that half of us hate it, but the other half seem to think it's OK. As a competition dance teacher, I can tell you that I wouldn't let my girls do that unless they were 18 and even then I'd be extremely hesitant.

Yes, their technique and level of dancing at that young of an age is nothing short of incredible, so I'll at least give it that, but let them be children. I understand the nature of competitions, but that got taken WAY too far. Then I was concerned at how much these girls are probably training and they'll have incredibly short dance careers because of it.

In conclusion, let kids be kids. My 7 year olds dance to Disney songs, The Andrews Sisters, or other songs that have absolutely nothing provocative in them. Call me old fashioned.

My dance playlist

I have a lot of people asking me how I'm dealing with my current situation. Simple answer: dance. I'm about to head into the studio early so I can get some alone time in and dance out either my rage, sadness, whatever I'm feeling that day. Is it kind of weird? Possibly. I figure I can either let this destroy me or I can do what I can to be positive and come out of this a better person. It would be way easier to start restricting or purging, but I can't go back to that and I won't. After that explanation, the second most popular question is "What do you dance to?" Well, here is a list of my current songs that usually describe my mood perfectly. I like to call this my "Divorcee List." Enjoy:


"Uninvited" by Alanis Morissette
"Gives You Hell" by The All-American Rejects (I've really been favoring this lately)
"Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne
"Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce
"Diva" by Beyonce
"Survivor" by Destiny's Child
"Mercy" by Duffy
"My Immortal" by Evanescence
"Hot N Cold" by Katy Perry
"Bossy" by Keilis
"Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson
"Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa
"Family Affair" by Mary J. Blige
"My Friends Over You" by New Found Glory
"Tore My Heart" by Oona
"So What" by Pink
"Ordinary Day" by Vanessa Carlton

Those are just some of the songs on that playlist. Either they're angry sounding or they just put me in a good mood.

Frustrating...

OK. For some reason I have to repeat this speech over and over again, and I'm going to put it here and copy and paste the link from now on because this is getting to be ridiculous...


For those of you who are under the impression that if you do several workouts in a day because you think you'll get to your weight loss goal faster, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, you're incorrect in your thinking. Yeah, theoretically more workouts = more calories burned = weight loss seems to make sense, but you're going the wrong way in your logic. Let me steer you in the right direction.

"But if I do a P90X workout in the morning and then an Insanity workout in the evening I'll be SUPER ripped in half the time!" Why not just do one or the other? Why both? There is absolutely NOW WAY your body can recover from that. Both of those programs are very demanding on your body and are stand alone programs. Your muscles need to restore glycogen. If you keep using it up, they can't restore it, and then you're not really getting anywhere because your muscles are drained of their fuel. Also, there's the HUGE risk of overtraining and injury. Why risk it? Do one program, move on to the next, and then do a hybrid if you so choose.


The End.

Beachbody Coach Summit 2010

I've been meaning to blog about this as soon as I got home, but I've had a lot going on including moving everything from my house to my mom's house. This past weekend was a very emotional one for me. I had a lot of ups and downs and moments where I cried, laughed, made others laugh, was angry, and had the time of my life. I wouldn't change a thing this weekend. Well, I would, but, I won't get into it...


Thursday when I arrived at LAX (which is a VERY confusing airport, by the way), I walked outside and took some deep breaths and I felt more calm and at peace than I think I ever have in my entire life. I felt home. I had only been there for not even five minutes when I came to that realization. It was something about the vibe and the energy there that I really liked. Everybody seems very friendly there. While I was on the plane I had about five people ask me if I was a movie star or a model. I never get compliments like that, so I was happy to hear that! My coach and CA mom Lisa picked me up. There was some confusion at first because I had somehow found my way to the departures and not arrivals so we weren't even in the same place. It took about 20 minutes before I figured this out. I swear the theme some from "Benny Hill" should be playing behind me all the time. After getting to meet her, we went to Trader Joe's to get more food for the week. She underestimated how much I eat. Silly Lisa...After that we got lost on our way back to the airport and we picked up her friend Tina, who is also from Michigan. We hit it off immediately! We checked into the hotel and it was absolutely beautiful! We met up with Sandy and Debbie and waited for Celia to get there. We went out to do some sightseeing and we went to the City Walk, which was a blast! I walked around in amazement. I felt like a little kid. I was taking pictures of everything and walking around in pure awe of the place. I have never seen anything like that before. Since my body was three hours ahead of everybody, I was very tired by this point. We ate dinner at about 9. My body is not used to eating that late, so I felt like crap. After we got back to the room, I crashed.

Friday I had to be up and about quite early to get to the Team Genesis meeting. We listened to some speakers and it was extremely informative and motivating. This was the beginning of what was to be hours upon hours of sitting that I'd be doing over the next few days. There was also a massive group workout where we got to work out with a lot of the trainers. It was extremely chaotic! I was in the second row, and I did what I could, but it was hard! There was absolutely no room to move, it was hot, I was kicked, stepped on, you name it. I was covered in sweat by the end, but I loved it! Later on Friday night, Lisa and Tina were getting ready to go to the Diamond reception. I started having a dance party all by myself because I'm a dork, but then I got a text from Denis saying he was there and to go downstairs. I was severely under dressed because I had no idea I was going into the reception itself. I spend most of my days talking with either kids or teenagers, so it was nice to have an adult conversation for a change. (Not adult themed, get your minds out of the gutter.) After that, I again, went up to my room and crashed.

Saturday was kind of a blur. It was seminar after seminar after seminar and my blood sugar was super low so I was either going to go to sleep or pass out. It was all good information, but I was just too hungry and VERY dehydrated. I got ready to go to the gala event, which I was running late for because getting ready takes me a while. The finished product that you see doesn't just happen, it takes time! It was a decent party. I crashed again afterward.

Sunday was the last day of the Summit and it was, again, more sitting around. Carl's speech to close out the events was incredibly inspiring that it brought tears to my eyes. Lisa took everybody out to the Santa Monica Pier. It was so beautiful. I had yet to see the Pacific ocean, and there it was. I could have stayed there all day, but, there was other things Lisa wanted to show us. We went to the Hollywood and Vine area to see the usual tourist places. We were stuck in traffic on an overpass and I seemed to be the only person who was excited by this because I got to be stuck in L.A. traffic. (It's the little things in life.) I absolutely loved to see things I've only seen in movies or on TV. I had to take a picture of Marilyn Monroe's hand prints (of course). There were so many stars there that I've grown up watching that it was so overwhelming. We walked up and down the street so I can see the stars on the sidewalk. Again, I got overwhelmed because I saw so many people who have inspired me through the years: Michael Jackson, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable, Doris Day, I could go on. I went into dance because of people like MJ and Fred Astaire. I know it's silly to ramble on and on about a piece of cement, but I can't help it. That night in the hotel room, I was depressed that I had to leave the next day. I wanted to stay for as long as I could.

Monday rolled around and I had to leave. I was at the airport sitting by myself, drinking a coffee, and crying. Everybody walking by me probably thought I was crazy, but, I'm used to that! :) I didn't want to leave. I thought somebody would have to drag me on that plane while I was kicking and screaming. I also found out that morning that Chris is kind of already with somebody else. I've been replaced already. He had been calling me and texting me all weekend just to get on my nerves, but I refused to let it. Now that I was going home, everything set in and I was depressed. I guess I'm completely dispensable. I thought I meant more, but I don't. He even brought her to the airport to pick me up. Yeah...THAT wasn't awkward...

I'm not good at expressing myself, but that's the best that I can sum up my weekend. It was completely life changing. The people, the place, everything had changed my life. I came back a better person because of this trip and I want to go back. I wish I never had to come home.

It Takes A Special Kind Of Stupid To Be Me

If I ever write a book, that's what the title is going to be.


Today's example of why I'm a "special" kind of stupid:


Why did I agree to still put on a production of "The Rocky Horror Show" with my going to be ex-husband? This is going to be a disaster...Not the show. I'm sure that will be fine. We've already fought and we haven't even really started planning things yet. We were just going over the budget. Sigh...I'm dumb.


I'm sure I'll have more examples of my stupidity later this week! I think I may even be able to get a TV series out of this...Nah, there's enough dumb people on TV already. Look at "Jersey Shore."

Exercising Mindfully

One of my favorite authors, Eric Franklin wrote "Exercise is an ongoing dialogue between mind and body." Ever since I read his book "Conditioning For Dance", I've used that line many, many times in dance classes and in my Pilates classes. Most of the time, people view these things separately (I used to, but now I know better) and they don't get the most out of their workout.


It's important to be mindful when exercising because if you're conditioning for a specific sport (or dance), and you strengthen muscles in misalignment, you're strengthening the misalignment. As a dance teacher, most of the frustration from my students comes from working on pirouettes. They're hard. I'm not even going to lie. It took me almost six years to be able to do a triple pirouette. It's the most frustrating thing ever. While watching my students perform their turns, I'll tell them to calm down and tell them that trying to get more momentum is useless because they're out of proper alignment and they're only making it harder on themselves because of the movement pattern they were using. Strengthening the muscles in the coordination that you need them is more important to proper dance technique than most dancers realize.


Where the mind truly is a powerful thing is the power of positive thinking and imagery. If you were going to be performing (let's keep up with the pirouette reference) a pirouette and you were thinking that it's going to be hard and you can't do it. Guess what? You won't. If you calm down, imagine yourself performing it, feel yourself performing it, and you will. Blindly doing dance steps isn't going to make anybody a good dancer. Feeling where the movement comes from and where it should be coming from makes you a better dancer.

How To Behave At A Gym

by Laura Capaul


1. When you're done with a machine, clean off the equipment. Seriously, it's nasty if you don't. I'm not into running after you with an antibacterial wipe and cleaning up after you because you refuse to do it. I have other things I need to do. Oh, the same thing goes for the mats. I know they get cleaned at least twice a week because I clean them after my Pilates classes, but I know they're being used outside of that too. Just don't be gross.

2. Don't EVER try to debate with the fitness professionals. You're at the gym wanting their services for a reason. You're obviously not an expert, so shush.

3. Men, don't be a creeper. If you see an attractive woman, you can look, but you don't have to approach and talk. It makes me uncomfortable. If you're talking about something having to do with fitness, the weather, the gym, knitting, whatever, that's fine. Please stop coming up to me and trying to find out if I'm married and willing to cheat. It's gross. Also, please don't come out of the shadows and ask if I want to see a drawing. A million things go through my head first and that gets disturbing.

4. Women, don't wear tiny outfits and get mad when guys won't stop staring at you. If you don't want 'em lookin', don't put it out there. Just sayin'...There's also no reason to give me hateful looks. Don't hate because I'm sassy! ;)

5. If you see posted rules, they're there for a reason. If it states "No boom boxes" don't ask me if you can bring one in. What do you need a boom box for? You ain't Run DMC and this ain't Brooklyn...If you are Run DMC, then who am I to tell you no? That would be sweet...



That's a preview of my book that I want to write about gyms. Enjoy.

Pilates

I was going to post this a few days ago, but then my computer decided it wanted to be a jerk and get a virus, so, it's a few days later than I wanted it to be, but here it is.


For any of you who know me, you know that I absolutely love Pilates. I love it so much that I found a mentor and became certified to teach. It's always been incredibly important to me as a dancer, but, anybody can benefit from it.


Pilates focuses on the core, but more specifically, on the transverse abdominis. On every single exhale, this muscle is supposed to be contracted. It's the same set of muscles you use to stop the flow of urine, or, if you're a woman, it's a Kegel exercise. Pilates is also about length. It won't give you bulk, which is why it's amazing for dancers although that's changing. It also focuses on the body-mind connection.

There are an absolute TON of health benefits from Pilates, so, here's a short list:
- Long, lean muscle
- Weight loss
- Heart and lung endurance
- Anti-aging effects
- Build bone density
- Better focus and concentration
- Better memory
- Increased flexibility
- Self awareness
- Stronger immune system
- Better sleep
- Self confidence
- Increased circulation
- Better posture
- Faster metabolism
- Overall better health

I could go on for days, so I'll let that soak in. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have!

The Biggest Loser

I know a lot of people who are absolutely obsessed with this show. I watched it once with some friends and I love the idea of a show where they are helping people lose weight. I don't love the idea that they are eliminating people and having them lose WAY too much weight WAY too fast.

It's ridiculous to think that people can be eliminated for not losing enough body fat. Well, put them up against somebody who is either male and/or has way more body fat than you do, and guess what? You're not going to lose as much body fat compared to them! So I guess the logical thing is that you're not working hard enough and you get sent home. Really? Also, one of the contestants lost 100 lbs in 7 weeks or something like that. Again, REALLY? Here I was under the impression that 2 lbs a week was healthy weight loss. Yeah, yeah, most of it was water weight at first, but, COME ON! The trainers should KNOW BETTER! They also should know that half the crap they have them do at the gym is NOT GOOD FOR THEM TO BE DOING AT THEIR CURRENT WEIGHT AND FITNESS LEVEL!!! Is that what I have to do to be a successful trainer like Jillian Michaels? I can do unsafe things, put my clients in danger of injury and scrunch up the left side of my face whenever I talk too, but that isn't me. I don't know, for some reason I like to err on the side of caution and not hurt people.

I think I'd like the show better if nobody was eliminated and they encouraged healthy weight loss. It also wouldn't hurt if Jillian stopped the scrunch face routine too...

My new project

Before I go into detail about my new project (that may be the death of me if I'm able to get this off the ground, but it would be worth it), I'd like to rant a little bit about dance. This is my favorite topic, so hopefully I can keep this relatively short.

On Friday, I heard some of the dancers at the studio kind of arguing about which dance style is the best and takes the most talent. This kind of stuff really irks me. I stepped in and I told them we're all doing the same exact thing, but using a different technique. It's all about expressing yourself with your body. It doesn't matter what you call your style. It doesn't matter what kind of music you're using. I don't let music define what dance style I feel like doing. I've been known to use hip hop for a ballet piece, classical music for a hip hop piece, I can tap dance to The Misfits, I can do lyrical to Prince if I wanted, hell I'm using Marilyn Manson for a pointe piece this year, it's all about the movement and the freedom of the movement. You may not understand who I am when you're talking to me, but you'll know exactly who I am as a person when you see me dance. When I'm dancing, the guards are down, the baggage is set aside and I'm my true self. It's a completely vulnerable state, but I embrace it. I may not be able to tell you how I'm feeling about something, but I can sure as hell SHOW you how I'm feeling using my body. Which leads me into my project:

I want to start my own dance company. I want to fuse styles together (which is my favorite thing in the world to do) and show that we're all after the same goal: art. All dance is created equally. Sure, we all can favor one style over the other (guess which one is my favorite), but it doesn't make it better than all other forms. I have a lot of great ideas and a lot of great choreography swimming around in my head that I would love to see come to life. I can't do a lot of what I really want to do with my students because they're not willing to "go there" with me. I want dancers who don't hold back. A lot of dancers are afraid of what they can really do, and it scares them. I need some fearless people!

I'll make a few phone calls tomorrow and see where I can get a rehearsal space. Then, I'll probably put an ad on Craigslist for auditions. I would love to see this happen. I need to do something creative.

Here's an update:

OK, so, I know my last post was awful, and it felt awful (believe me), but Chris and I are going to be working things out, so, false alarm...We'll be OK. We're going to start counseling soon and although I'm not living at the house full time right now, I'm hoping to be moving back in soon. It's kind of lame staying with my parents half of the week and sleeping on an air mattress. Although my sheets are hot pink, so I guess that makes me feel better.


In other news, I'll still be teaching Pilates at Snap Fitness (for now), but I did just get a job at a chiropractor's office as a fitness trainer. It's really awesome because he has a ton of equipment, massage therapists, a nutritionist, and a couple of other chiropractors all in the same building. He'll be hiring in a male trainer because as he put it "Not every guy wants to work with a 100 lb female trainer." Me? 100 lbs? Why, thank you! However, it's understandable because a lot of men think women don't know anything about fitness, so, whatever...

On the dance front, things are fine. Although I almost had a mutiny on my hands the other day, but I quickly diffused that situation. Teenagers...ugh...


I've been having some issues lately with my body (as usual.) I'm about 99.9% sure I have iliopsoas tendonitis in my right hip, which would explain the problems I've been having. I've been icing it and treating it very nicely. I also now am mysteriously having problems with my right calf muscle (yeah, my right leg is kind of a mess right now). It feels so incredibly tight, and it's all the way around my entire lower leg. It hurts. I think it's because I just started Insanity this week and it just isn't used to that kind of abuse...or something...I have no clue. We'll see what happens.


Speaking of Insanity, I really like the program so far. I do miss P90X, but it's nice to do something different. I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was, but I keep having to stop because my calf is spazzing out on me. It would be nice to see what my cardiorespiratory system can really do, but I guess I'll have to wait until my calf stops being a jerk. I really hope this program won't make my calves get any bigger because then I wouldn't be able to wear pants. I have a hard enough time trying to take my current jeans off as it is, so if they got any bigger I'd have some serious problems. I don't want a repeat of getting stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at Express again. That was humiliating, yet hilarious.


I'm thinking tomorrow I'm going to write a blog about the benefits of Pilates. Just because I love it so much!

Wost day ever

So, I know this is incredibly personal and really shouldn't be going on the internet, but, Chris asked me for a divorce today. I'm still in shock and I don't really know what I should be doing right now. I feel really unwanted and hurt. This sucks.

Inspiration overload!!!

I don't know if this has happened to anybody else, but, I was sitting and listening to music and then I realized that all of a sudden I was up and dancing around. All the songs I've been listening to have just been incredibly inspiring to me. Most of the time I don't have to really think about it to choreograph something, but this is nuts. I've got a lot of recital pieces started and I'm about halfway done with them. Yeah, I'm aware the recital isn't until June, but I've got an amazing head start this year. Here's some of the music I'm using this year (in case anybody can't wait for the recital):

"Diva" by Beyonce
"Boom Boom Pow" by Black Eyed Peas
"Ease On Down the Road" by Diana Ross and Michael Jackson
"Beat It" by Fall Out Boy
"London Bridge" by Fergie
"This Is Halloween" by Marilyn Manson
"Tore My Heart" by Oona (this one is the one that started this cascade of choreography)
"Night of the Dancing Flame" by Roisin Murphy
"Ramalama (Bang Bang)" by Roisin Murphy
"Ruby Blue" by Roisin Murphy

That's not all of them, or even close to being all of them, but those are the ones I have started. I'm really excited for how these are turning out so far. I'm really finding my choreography "voice" and it's awesome. Although I'm very well aware that it's pretty weird. "This Is Halloween" is probably going to be my weirdest piece yet to date and I'm pretty pumped about it. It might top the vampires from last year. I also have dancing zombies this year. I still have a lot of songs to pick out...I guess I should do some "pretty" routines this year. Sigh...

Trying to feel normal after ED

Although I've had a great day today, I'm in a very pensive and reflective mood. I don't have time to reflect very often and I know I need to make time, so this is my effort.

I overheard some of my students joke about purging. I wasn't upset about it, but I let them know it isn't funny to joke about mental illnesses. I was holding back tears on my car ride home because I was wondering if that is how people with eating disorders are viewed- as a big joke. I struggled for so long with several different EDs and I'm just now at a point in my life where I'm not having symptoms or really wanting to have any. I still have bad body image days, but I'll distract myself and try to forget about it although that's pretty much impossible.

I know people will joke about things they don't understand. Nobody could possibly know what I've been through or what I continue to go through on a daily basis unless they've been there. I try to explain it to the best of my ability, but I don't have the words. It's emotional, physical, and mental pain. It's feeling completely exhausted. It's feeling a hatred for yourself that you couldn't even imagine. I avoided mirrors and clothes shopping. I lost almost all of my friends because I didn't want to go out with them because I felt too fat and ugly to leave my house. They didn't understand and didn't try. I never felt so alone in my entire life. I was alone with my eating disorder. It became my only friend. I could count on it. It was always there for me. It comforted me.

I developed my first ED when I was about seven years old. I was teased in school day in and day out. I was the token fat kid in my dance classes. I used food as a security blanket. I would eat my feelings because it made me feel better. This continued to get worse over the years. Eighth grade was the worst for me. I was teased every day by the same group of kids and they would call me ugly and tell me I was too ugly to live. I would go home every day and cry and eat. I think the only reason I was never really heavy at this time was because of all the dancing I was doing. I'm pretty sure this is when my severe body dysmorphic disorder started. High school was more of the same thing, but once I graduated and was going to be going on to college and bigger and better things I thought that people might like me better if I was skinny. So, I stopped eating. I would go days at a time with no food. I just drank water and coffee. Then I'd eventually eat something like a plain baked potato or some celery and then start that cycle all over again. Toward the end of my first semester, I went six days without eating and I passed out. I woke up in the hospital. I was 82 pounds. All skin and bone. I'm still amazed I didn't die. Then my mom took me to a nutritionist and I ate and put some weight on. I was still having emotional issues, but at least I wasn't in danger of going into heart failure anymore. A few years later, I fell back into it. This time was different. This time I couldn't go as long without eating, so like 95% of other anorexics, I turned bulimic. I was dropping weight at a very fast rate again. I was eventually convinced to go into an eating disorder clinic and I really believe that they saved my life. I had found out I had given myself a heart condition (I would either pass out or almost pass out when I stood up), so I wasn't allowed to take the stairs, so I always had to take the elevator which was embarrassing. After I put weight on and got help and learned new ways to cope, I felt much better.

It's so hard to feel "normal" after all of this. I can't weigh myself, I can't count calories, I can't take measurements, and I can't measure out food portions so I'm just guessing. I feel like a freak because I can't really do a whole lot. I feel like I'm not the best fitness trainer because I can't do these things, so how am I supposed to relate to people who can? I know it's all relapse prevention, but it's so hard to feel normal. When I meet new people and they find out about my ED past, I feel judged and I get treated differently. I get treated like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I just happen to hate my body sometimes.


All I've ever wanted was to feel beautiful. I have never been able to feel this way about myself. I'm still trying to find out the secret to that. Because I feel so crappy about how I look on the outside, I try to make up for it on the inside by being the best person I can be every day. My favorite thing in the world is to make people laugh. I could settle on being known for inner beauty.


I know this is has been horribly depressing. I know it is for me. I have a couple of tears streaming down my face, but I feel like there's hope. One day I know I'll find my place and feel "normal", whatever that may be. Some days when I see a Victoria's Secret commercial I'll break down and cry because I will never look like that. Other days I'm satisfied knowing that if it came down to it, I could easily kick any of those skinny bitch's asses if I had to. I would love to feel empowered like that all the time. I'm working on it.

Dance Magic Dance

(Yes, the title is from "Labyrinth", what are you gonna do about it?)

I figured I'd take this time to a little dance FAQ blog because apparently I have nothing else better to do. I get a lot of questions from parents, students, and prospective students all the time.

Q: What should I look for in a good studio?

A: A lot of things! The staff is one of the most important. I don't believe teachers necessarily have to have a degree to be a good teacher, but with that being said, it definitely helps out a lot. They need to be up to date on teaching and technique. For example, if you see the teacher forcing more turnout out of a student, let the owner know and if it's common practice there, take your business elsewhere. You don't need your child having knee problems because that teacher is stuck in "the old ways." Look at the flooring that they have. Ideally, a studio needs to have a floating floor. It reduces the risk of injury and the dancer won't get as tired as quickly. If they don't have a floating floor, make sure it isn't tile, concrete, or anything crazy like that. As far as mirrors are concerned, mylar mirrors are the best. They're safer than traditional mirrors. If you're not sure if a studio is great or not, ask around.


Q: How old does my child have to be to be enrolled in a dance class?

A: Most studios have the rule that if they're potty trained, they can be put into a class. There are usually creative movement for children around the age of two, and after that they can be put into classes that are more dance based. For example, I teach combo classes for kids ranging from 3-5 and they do some ballet and then some tap. It also depends on whether or not you think your child is ready for such things.


Q: What do you think about dance competitions?

A: I'm torn about them, to be honest. My studio is a very highly competitive school. I have never participated in one. The studio I grew up dancing at never went to any. I dance for art, not for a trophy, but that's just me. As with anything, competition has it's pros and cons. It definitely forces dancers to be better at a younger age. If you compared dancers from a non-competitive school versus a competitive school, the competitive dancers are going to be at a much higher level than the dancers who don't compete. With that being said, I'm not a fan of putting children into high stress situations. I know of students who go from competition to competition and they never get a break. Mentally, that's very tiring. Physically, it could lead to injuries. Not to mention, that's extremely expensive! The other problem with being expected to dance at such a high level is that the dancers will be very hard on themselves. It's a miracle if I go a day without having to diffuse a crying situation because they didn't get something new on the first try. This stuff takes time, but there's pressure on them to get it if they want to do well in a competition. On the other hand, if they do well at a competition it does wonders for their self esteem.


Q: Can adults learn how to dance?

A: YES!!! It doesn't matter how old you are! Most studios have adult beginner classes.


Q: What can I do to get a dancer's body?

A: Dance.


Q: Why are you so awesome and attractive?

A: Stop it! You're making me blush!

An open letter

Dear People Who Shop At Trader Joe's and Whole Foods,

I just want to make something clear. Just because you're buying it at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods does not mean it's healthy and should automatically go into your cart. Both stores sell junk food. There's an entire refrigerated aisle in Trader Joe's that is all desserts! It doesn't mean you should buy them! The same thing at Whole Foods! "Well, it's organic pie!" No difference. Sorry. If you don't want to eat healthy, that's fine, but don't think you're doing yourself any favors by thinking it's healthy just because it comes from a certain store.


Yours,
Laura



(Yeah, I realize that sounds a bit bitchy, but, I'm a little frustrated this afternoon.)

Why are YOU of all people blogging?

Good question...Let me think about it.


Well, it's a way for me to share my ideas with other dance teachers and hope they are inspired by my methods and madness.

I've written blogs for other people about fitness, so now I'm going to write them for my own benefit, so check in if you want to learn a little something!

I'm hilarious, so, that's a good reason itself...